Life as an 'Introvert'

Well, one thing I am sure of is that most of the people who have interacted with me wouldn't agree in various levels to my statement that I am an introvert. But, trust me when I say this, I AM A HUGE ASS INTROVERT who shows the wild side of me only to those who I am comfortable with and that can be subjective too.

Now, defining the term 'comfortable'. You may not be comfortable with the same person all the time. Being someone who has umpteen thoughts going on inside your head all the time, there will be times you think of being judged silently, misunderstood or getting bullied and that thought itself makes you uncomfortable. You may not be in the best of comfort if the person you are most comfortable with is accompanied by another, who could indeed be someone you are comfortable with in a different situation. The level of comfort varies from person to person, from situation to situation and no two people could keep you comfortable and help you be yourself, with exceptions, of course. And that makes you feel out of place and zone out very easily.

Another issue is with the 'wild' you. The coolest version of yourself may not come in public often, but once it does, people are sure in for some great entertainment. But then again, there is always this thought of being overly enthusiastic and attracting jerks (oh yeah, that always happens). Sometimes, just to survive in this world, you pretend to be a joyful enthusiastic person, and every time you do that, you regret. You feel like you are living a lie and prefer not wanting to impress anybody. You would want to go back to your shell but cannot coz you have given a wrong idea about yourself and its too late.

The worst is when you need to be in a group and pretend to enjoy what's been happening. Because sometimes your excuses to avoid parties and get-togethers may not work and you have to participate and that's like a judgement day to you. Surrounded by enthusiastic people who can just attract anybody by their charm, you feel that you are invisible. No matter how much ever you try to hold on conversations, you cannot because you aren't interesting enough and that thought kills you inside. This may not be true but that's what you would believe. After every parties, you wish someone noticed you as well, and had some soulful conversation with you, but when you realise that's not the crowd you are in, all you want to do is run away and hide.

Another problem is that you cannot communicate in the right way. Either you end up being misunderstood, or offensive, OR would never be taken seriously. You are either blunt or too polite to be understood. These affect your peace of mind but even communicating that would end up wrong.

You would be someone who prefers to stay in your shell because 'people' scare the shit out of you. You think too much before you say something, yet end up saying the wrong stuff. You are offensive, as all that matters to you is your comfort zone. You wouldn't sometimes be even comfortable with your best friend, because you don't even know if that person feels the same way too or is silently plotting to get rid of you.

Meeting new people is a nightmare as you wouldn't know how you are gonna hold a conversation with. You feel obliged to talk, but as long as there isn't something that interests you, all you would do is stare at eternity.

Being an introvert isn't easy. You wish to be something else throughout your life, but you know you can't be as interesting as others are and you may not be anyone's favorite. You accept it and move on. But still, the struggle of interacting with people remains and that in itself is a task.

Her struggles

Each day is a struggle to her. She wakes up to that unexplainable pain that succumbs her entire body, making her unable to move until she pushes herself to. The arms that sometimes stay unmovable, the neck that gives her the pain as though someone just tried to chop it off, the spine that can't even once give her solace. There wouldn't have been a day where she wishes to wake up and live like a normal human being with absolutely no pain.

Her day moves on with all the wrong people one could ever find. People who wouldn't know how to love, or value love or even value her, cringing her emotionally, mentally and psychologically. She still hopes to find goodness in people, meet the right ones some day.

She wishes to be heard, just like how she lends her ears to people who want to be heard. She keeps wishing that someone heard her without judging, without giving her their share of wisdom. She always chose strugglers, people who have seen it all, hoping that may be they would understand. But never has she been successful in letting them understand.

Rather, she gets to hear herself tagged as laidback, lazy, excuse maker, drama queen, idiot, unbelievable, attention seeker, big mouth, chatterbox...

She still moves on, though there is absolutely no reason to live. She lives, pushing herself each day to move forward, because she wants to take her last breath with the satisfaction of achieving something at least once in her life.

I wonder why! 

Random musings #2

My dear Imperfect guy,

I remember the last time we met - it was end to a new  beginning - when two imperfect people who were a bit too close to each other hugged casually for the sake of it and moved on with our lives with the new imperfect people we met. I clearly remember the last meeting before that last meeting when you wanted to go and I wanted to go but I had to rush to you and give you that one tight hug with all the love I had, and walk away before I knew that would be the last time.

Our world was adorned with hugs and sweet little nothings which meant something to us. Where I used to leave random stupid notes whenever we met, and you used to treasure each one of them. I even remember the time when I wrote something on a napkin and later used it without knowing it had my note and you shouted at me for being so careless.

I remember how we used to watch the moon and the stars in silence and wished that night never ended. The times when you slept off during the late night calls where the hardest - a lot remained unsaid and it still remains that way. We never had a closure, we still don't. May be, that was for something better where we could start over new?

The way you silenced throughout all my curious enquiries tore me apart. I wish you heard me and responded than leaving things grey. I remember how we used to pick up from where we left after every argument.

I remember how deeply we were connected though we shared nothing but the strong bond of friendship. There was love, may be not in the air, but in the darkest corners of our hearts. And there was something to look forward to in the imperfect man I called my friend. I remember how easily you touched my soul and left me breathless. You showed me I could be patient too, and be selfless without demanding even your time.

Years flew by, life changed, thoughts and even habits changed, but the emptiness still remains. Life would have been much better without certain people, they say; but no one speaks about how amazing life would be, with certain people by your side.

Our imperfections started showing up; I sulked, you sulked and we both succumbed to fate. You lost a friend, and I lost the love of my life, and we both lost a lot of good times together. But deep inside, I wish, things changed to something much more beautiful than what we used to share.

Or was it all just a dream? Did you even exist? Were you actually perfect enough not to have the imperfect person around you or did you sulk more than I did? Or was that me who gave up too easily? Too many questions, still unanswered, still keeping me wide awake even after years... 

Random Musings #1

Sometimes, all you need is someone who would assure that everything is going to be alright. Might be the silliest of things that you are worrying about, you could be even PMSing but the million thoughts that flash through your head every second would be sickening and you'd need something or someone to lean on.

But, who would you even rely on? Isn't everything temporary? And sometimes unreal? The saddest part is, even after knowing all these, we 'expect' - expectations are the core reason behind every disappointment. So, you are kind of off today, and expect someone to listen to you and you realise you have no one to open up to - increases the disappointment.

Isn't there any way to get rid of this sequence? May be there is - to rely upon yourself, to be the assurance to yourself. Not as easy as it seems like, it takes a lot of practice to get there, but once you reach the peak of it, you would realise that solitude is the best thing that could happen to you. Because you are never going to let yourself down, or cheat for anyone. Life becomes so much easier that way.

Try solitude. 

29, Female, Unmarried.

You are 29, female and unmarried. You are career oriented, independent yet called a failure because you are unmarried. "Are you seeing someone?", they ask, unapologetic about questioning your private life. "Don't drag it too much, get married to him because you are 29", they advice later without even wanting to know your answer.

" Your friends are married, you should get married too. Look, your youngest cousin has a baby boy too. What are you doing with your life? Get married, because you are 29".

"What career are you talking about? Family comes first. Imagine being alone in the world down the line. You need kids to take care of you. Get married, because you are 29"

"Your parents are getting old. They would want to see you settle down. Get married, because you are 29"

"Sorry for being blunt, but since you are fat it's very difficult to find a guy who would want to get married to you. Find one at the earliest and get married, because you are 29 and ugly"

"Your biological clock is ticking. Get married, because you are 29"

The list goes on. And you wonder why they are worried about your age, your gender, your physique or anything for that matter, let alone your marital status.

Sometimes you ask yourself, "Am I doing the wrong thing? Should I just leave my career and plans behind and get married to someone who is already settled? Because I am 29, ugly and hopeless".

Your boyfriend tells you how terribly demanding a girlfriend you are, why no guy would ever want to be with you, and that he is doing you a favor; all these because you told him you can't handle his drama anymore.

You are ugly, fat, terrible, vicious, demanding, 29 and unmarried. Everyone you know reminds you of this, but has anyone ever bothered to ask whether you are happy? No. The truth is no one wants to know what makes you happy.

You take a pause and look around. Your married friends - most of them are unhappy. Some are still being in the relationship because they are stuck in marriage, responsibilites and kids and it's not easy to walk away. You get the stories of divorced women and men who tell you how divorce has helped them grow. You see single men and women unready to settle for something that's not meant to be.

You take another pause and retrospect the relationships you have had. You see how your relationships have grown sour because you want things to be a certain way or he wants you to be a certain way. How that he-is-the-real-deal turned out to be the biggest mistake of your life. How demanding you were, or how cheap he was.  How complicated you were and how arrogant he was.

You find yourself happier alone than with a man. You realise happiness is not defined by having someone in your life or not.

"You are not a marriage material", even your best friend tells you this. But let me tell you, you are not born to be someone's wife. You're not a half - better or worse - but a fully grown person. And the ultimate purpose of life is not always 'settling down'. If someone tells you so, you don't need them in your life because that's negativity.

They may judge you for having multiple male friends who you often hang out with, or the pathetic relationships you have had, but the truth is whatever you have done, you were either happy or have learnt a great lesson from it. You are unmarried because you chose to be, and that's huge  - to stick to your decisions.

You are single for a reason. Over the years you have learnt to be happy. You have successfully crossed that phase of wanting to be with someone. You are comfortable in your own skin and has other priorities such as career, travel, fitness and hey! You are doing a fab job! It's better to have your life organised  than wanting to organise someone else's.

Get married, not for a ceremony, not because you are getting old, not for any reason other than this - you want to share the rest of your life with a certain someone who respects you and your decisions, does not play the hindrance in your life, accepts you for your choices and loves you for who you are.

Until then, be 29, unmarried and happy. 

How Hard Can Life Be!

Sometimes all you want to do is just stop pretending to be bold and brave and just break down. Hug the next person appearing in front of you, hug them tight and just yell out that you are not okay and you need help. To have someone who would just sit by your side without questioning or judging is indeed a big deal, and not many are lucky enough to get that company.

I have always tried to be that someone to atleast one person I have met and fortunately wasl successful. All thanks to what I go through on a regular basis and the struggle to fight it out, all alone. And that's not easy. Because people want you to behave a certain way; no matter how much you don't care about what others say or do or expect, sometimes you fall into that trap of pretending to be something they want you to be, not because you are afraid. Its just the realisation that they are not meant to stick through your downs or are ready to understand you ever.

Loneliness isn't easy. You may turn it to solitude and find solace, but loneliness will hit you hard, and beat you down. You ought to pick yourself up, because you have no other choice. No one is going to do that for you. If someone did, you wouldn't be going through this shit on first place.

Sometimes, out of helplessness, you turn to someone for help, you explain what you are going through and request them to help you. But, all you would get in return would be worse than your real issue. They expect you to explain what exactly your problem is and how they could help you. What they don't realise is, if you knew what it was or had a solution, you wouldn't be seeking help on first place. All you need is someone who can just be a listener. And make you feel that you are not alone. Someone who would ask you "are you okay?" when you are not and just sit and listen without complaining or show the practical side of life. But who has time for all that, right?

But, that's okay. Sometimes you gotta lose hope in people in order to build faith in yourself. Your problem is just yours; no one else is going to share it with you. Be it your agony of living next to the love of your life who is already married, or your parents being more considerate to your sibling or the physical pain you are going through or your fear of being judged or mistreated or not having a life that you deserve or losing someone you love to the hands of death or being sad for unknown reasons - whatever it be only you can help yourself. Honestly, even you wouldn't pay a heed to another to their 'pointless' cribbing or whining. So be it. Just deal with it.

You are not born to quit. You gotta try, try try try and try. You may still not win. But you gotta try. You should never stop loving people just because they are not loving you back. Stay selfless if that's the way you are. Never lose your style, because that makes you you and noone  should change that. Just lowering your expectations would do the rest. Loneliness would still hit you hard, but you need to bounce back until death captivates you. Otherwise, what's the point in living all the while.

Man Detox - How to Get Rid of a Toxic Person from Life

Here, we are going to discuss not about  negative, evil people, but the ones you thought were right, who eventually turned out to be toxic.

Everyone makes mistakes, for the fact that we are humans, the mistake part is quite involuntary. But there will be times when a certain someone or a group of people deny to forgive you for a mistake you have done purposely or not; or the sorts who would make mistakes but deny to apologise. They just wouldn't listen to you, treat you like you don't exist, make you whine for the rest of your life and let you do all kinds of nonsense you wouldn't do otherwise. People who are so spineless to confront or apologise because they are just too self obsessed and wouldn't mind breaking anyone's heart. These are the toxic people we need to address and you should be flushing out of your life.

Here is the detoxification programme (free of cost, of course. Can pay me if you wish to once you see results) which would help you help yourself. 

1. Day 1 - CRY. Yes, cry to infinity. Think about all the good things you had done, all the good memories, how you miss that certain someone and CRY. Listen to heart wrenching songs, watch all the movies that would hurt you, do everything that reminds you of that person and CRY. Cry from morning till you sleep off, or midway to sleep or whenever you feel like crying. Basically, in this detoxification programme, you wouldn't get much days to cry, so cry as much as you want. No one is going to stop you, even if someone does, ask them to mind their own business. Warning : DON'T TALK TO ANYONE, especially about that certain someone. 
2. Day 2 - Go, meet a friend who cares. That friend who would just sit and listen to all your nonsense, wouldn't advice you or say anything back, but just console you. That's the kind of people you need right now, and make sure you don't open up to anyone else.
3. Day 3 - Drink, smoke, smoke up, have sex, eat whatever you feel like eating. Basically do anything that makes you feel better. BUT DON'T TALK unnecessarily to unrelated people.
4. Day 4- 6 - Repeat one or more of these if you aren't feeling any good.
5. Day 7 - Go meet a friend, who cares. Who would just shout at you, and get things real on your head. Basically, tell you those things that you already know and make you feel miserable, but that's ok. You need such people too in your life. 
6. Day 10 - Listen to good music, happy music. Watch happy movies and avoid anything that would remind you of that certain someone. But, DON'T TALK about that certain someone. 
7. Day 12 - If you haven't gotten over it, remind yourself that this is not the first or will not be the first heartbreak. You will eventually get over this too, the sooner the better.
8. Day 21 - Eat healthy, work out. Engage in good practices. Try quitting an unhealthy habit. Could be smoking, or eating junk food. But, DON'T TALK about that certain someone. 
9. Day 22-31 - Repeat one or more of 6-7 if you still aren't feeling any good. These are good habits.
10. Day 32 - You can start a new hobby or resume an old one. Like writing, crafting, learning to play a musical instrument, etc. All you need to do is take your mind off wrong thoughts. So, do productive stuff. But, DON'T TALK about that certain someone. 
11. Day 44 - Still stuck up? . Get a haircut. Hair cut sometimes makes you feel better, especially for women. Go for a solo trip. Be at peace. But, DON'T TALK about that certain someone. 
12. Day 60 - It is kind of sad that you've still not got rid of the toxic person out of your life. Tell yourself, you can't cry over flushing off crap through the pot because it once used to be your favorite food. You can't get obsessed with shit, literally.
13. Day 75 - If you couldn't help yourself yet, probably nothing or no one can help you. Sorry! 

This is an elaborated version of the programme. You can cut it short according to the changes you see in yourself. Like, you can skip day one or two and start directly from day 3 and then do what's mentioned on day 7. Whatever suits you better! 

PS: You're restricted to talk to anyone, strictly because you would end up talking about that person, thereby attracting more toxic towards you, making it even difficult to remove the initial toxic. So DON'T TALK about that certain someone. It's never gonna help. 

THANK ME LATER.

To the Unknown Love of My Life...

Amidst a pile of work, I decided to write this piece of article because I realised this is far more important to me than anything else.

Well, I don't know who you are. May be you are the one who smiled at me from the corner of that coffee shop the other day. Or the one I didn't even feel like paying a heed to on that close friend's house party. You may be that best friend of mine I had grown up with. Or that random stranger I stumbled upon on Facebook. You could be anyone, and that still remains a mystery.

I have met couple of men who had disguised as you, which obviously turned out to be bad. And I am sure, you would have gone through the same as well. Because the true love of my life is actually you and your's mine. And we haven't met yet!

May be we did. May be you are the one I tagged as 'Brother' last week. Or that friend who got married last year. Could be the one I broke up with last decade. May be we know each other, but not as how it has to be.

I have gone through the agony of not finding you, and  misinterpreting the wrong ones as you. Whatever it be, over the years, I learnt something precious. The more delay you take to find me, the merrier my life gets. Irony, I know. But that's what the truth is!

I know how to take care of myself, how to handle my expenses, how to deal with the loneliness. and that makes me happy. I probably don't need you anymore because I am afraid, my peace of mind will be destroyed once you enter. There is no joy like sitting in the couch enjoying a coffee or a drink watching your favorite TV show. Or the cheesiest movie in the history of World Cinema, without anyone judging. And I am sure, even you would love it that way.

So, as long as I decide to be single, it is quite obvious that you too will remain to be one. Or you may choose to be with someone else who would disguise as the love of your life, and may be someday it will fall apart. may be it won't, but you wouldn't be happy because your true love is actually the one who posted this blogpost. May be you would choose to be single too, and we might meet someday, and explore the world together, see the sunset and travel around together..... we will be together, yet single. Because we chose life to be that way. 

The Musings of a Silent Lover

He mused,

"This day is crucial for me. Coz today, as we finally meet after one long year, I am going to tell you everything I always wanted to say and you wished to hear, without the influence of alcohol.

I wasn't sure what you were to me, or whether I wanted to see us together till the end until we parted ways. When I said goodbye to you for the most ridiculous reason one can ever give, and you kept 'pestering' me to get back as 'friends' I didn't know that I would find the answer for all that I was looking for.

I started missing you, not visibly though. Externally I was more than happy with the life I had, but deep inside, there was an emptiness I could never explain. A void no one could really fill in. I wasn't really missing you, but something precious; a part of me, like I suddenly became handicapped and could never be the same.

Today, as you enter my place again, I might just come running to you, embracing you like never before. And look into your eyes holding your face, and gently kissing your forehead. And then your lips without asking you whether you find it OK. And take you to my room, caress your bosoms and feel the warmth of it by pressing my face on them. And make love to you, and let you know how difficult a life it was, without you. I might tell you, you're not perfect, nor pretty but I just want to surrender and give myself to you, and make you mine, forever. And you might cry, out of joy and we might make love again, all through the night. And let our love grow, beyond the walls.

Or I might not! I might just greet shaking hands with you and offer you a seat in the living room. And have a drink or two, discussing about everything that doesn't matter at all, except the love we share. And make you feel miserable all over again, with no love expressed. And have dinner together and finally drop you back home, parting with a friendly hug. Like it never mattered to me, and never meet again.

This day is crucial. As my inner self will decide the winner of the love - ego battle. May the unregretful win."

Trust, Friendship and Risks

Today, for no reason, I got reminded of a funny, sweet incident that happened couple of years ago. I had moved to a new city (read Cochin) and befriended a couple of people who were introduced to me by a common friend. There were meet ups, chit chats, dinner plans at random restaurants and bike rides which had become a daily routine. And this guy I used to spend majority of my time with had become quite close, though I didn't know of his past, present or future much. (Well, I generally don't ask people personal questions; if something had to be known, it will happen eventually, provided that relation is destined to go further - thats what I believe in and I 'judge' people by how they are to me, not how they used to be or behave with other people)

So, just like any other day, he dropped me back home after dinner and while I was busy freshening up and preparing for the next hectic day at office by around 12 midnight, I received his call. It was to inform me that another female friend of ours was in some trouble, and he wanted to go, be with her, but as she was alone at her apartment that night and his visit at the middle of the night alone may not be appropriate and other female friends aren't available, he asked me whether I could accompany him. I said yes. But something was bothering me from the inside.  I even received a call from another female friend regarding the same, which was kind of convincing, but I somehow wasn't sure. What if he was trying to trap me? What if those were all preplanned? What if these females are also a part of the plan? I just couldn't stop thinking. But still, something else made me go ahead and accompany him to her apartment. Though I was totally scared, got convinced after I reached the apartment and saw her in a very disturbed situation. We spent that night in her apartment, taking care of her.

Couple of weeks later, while having dinner at our favorite chinese restaurant he asked me something unexpected, "I always wanted to ask you this, why did you come out with me that night without even thinking twice? That could have been a trap!" I replied, "hmmm.. Well. To be very honest, I was actually very scared and all sort of negative thoughts did cross my mind. But, somewhere inside I knew that this guy is not wrong and can be trusted".

That guy is now one of the closest friends I have and I am sure I fall into the same category in his list as well. He also by the way made sure that I never took such a step with someone else. :P

I could have given him an excuse and denied not to go with him. But that would have made me lose a chance of knowing gem of a peron. People are different and what we see, believe and expect may not be what we always get. I've had my fair share of good and bad experiences, but I always consider the risk part a good thing. I have shockingly known the evil side of people I always considered as angels and the good side of 'should I count up on this guy' - thanks to my willingness to take 'risk'. (The term risk here is relative) I have known that strangers can be more helpful and sometimes very good listeners than a close friend. I have also realized that people are not always what we think they are. And most importantly, it's not about who you have known the longest; its about who came, made a difference (in a good way) and denied to leave.

I am absolutely lucky to have a few gems as friends who had been tolerating me for ages, supporting through thick and thin, enjoying my company, worthy enough to share my deep dark secrets and passwords, and preferring to be around as friends even after numerous changes they had faced in their lives. That is what I respect the most and that's what I am trying to give them back. It after all takes a few seconds to lose someone and a lifetime to maintain a bond!