Her struggles

Each day is a struggle to her. She wakes up to that unexplainable pain that succumbs her entire body, making her unable to move until she pushes herself to. The arms that sometimes stay unmovable, the neck that gives her the pain as though someone just tried to chop it off, the spine that can't even once give her solace. There wouldn't have been a day where she wishes to wake up and live like a normal human being with absolutely no pain.

Her day moves on with all the wrong people one could ever find. People who wouldn't know how to love, or value love or even value her, cringing her emotionally, mentally and psychologically. She still hopes to find goodness in people, meet the right ones some day.

She wishes to be heard, just like how she lends her ears to people who want to be heard. She keeps wishing that someone heard her without judging, without giving her their share of wisdom. She always chose strugglers, people who have seen it all, hoping that may be they would understand. But never has she been successful in letting them understand.

Rather, she gets to hear herself tagged as laidback, lazy, excuse maker, drama queen, idiot, unbelievable, attention seeker, big mouth, chatterbox...

She still moves on, though there is absolutely no reason to live. She lives, pushing herself each day to move forward, because she wants to take her last breath with the satisfaction of achieving something at least once in her life.

I wonder why! 

Random musings #2

My dear Imperfect guy,

I remember the last time we met - it was end to a new  beginning - when two imperfect people who were a bit too close to each other hugged casually for the sake of it and moved on with our lives with the new imperfect people we met. I clearly remember the last meeting before that last meeting when you wanted to go and I wanted to go but I had to rush to you and give you that one tight hug with all the love I had, and walk away before I knew that would be the last time.

Our world was adorned with hugs and sweet little nothings which meant something to us. Where I used to leave random stupid notes whenever we met, and you used to treasure each one of them. I even remember the time when I wrote something on a napkin and later used it without knowing it had my note and you shouted at me for being so careless.

I remember how we used to watch the moon and the stars in silence and wished that night never ended. The times when you slept off during the late night calls where the hardest - a lot remained unsaid and it still remains that way. We never had a closure, we still don't. May be, that was for something better where we could start over new?

The way you silenced throughout all my curious enquiries tore me apart. I wish you heard me and responded than leaving things grey. I remember how we used to pick up from where we left after every argument.

I remember how deeply we were connected though we shared nothing but the strong bond of friendship. There was love, may be not in the air, but in the darkest corners of our hearts. And there was something to look forward to in the imperfect man I called my friend. I remember how easily you touched my soul and left me breathless. You showed me I could be patient too, and be selfless without demanding even your time.

Years flew by, life changed, thoughts and even habits changed, but the emptiness still remains. Life would have been much better without certain people, they say; but no one speaks about how amazing life would be, with certain people by your side.

Our imperfections started showing up; I sulked, you sulked and we both succumbed to fate. You lost a friend, and I lost the love of my life, and we both lost a lot of good times together. But deep inside, I wish, things changed to something much more beautiful than what we used to share.

Or was it all just a dream? Did you even exist? Were you actually perfect enough not to have the imperfect person around you or did you sulk more than I did? Or was that me who gave up too easily? Too many questions, still unanswered, still keeping me wide awake even after years... 

Random Musings #1

Sometimes, all you need is someone who would assure that everything is going to be alright. Might be the silliest of things that you are worrying about, you could be even PMSing but the million thoughts that flash through your head every second would be sickening and you'd need something or someone to lean on.

But, who would you even rely on? Isn't everything temporary? And sometimes unreal? The saddest part is, even after knowing all these, we 'expect' - expectations are the core reason behind every disappointment. So, you are kind of off today, and expect someone to listen to you and you realise you have no one to open up to - increases the disappointment.

Isn't there any way to get rid of this sequence? May be there is - to rely upon yourself, to be the assurance to yourself. Not as easy as it seems like, it takes a lot of practice to get there, but once you reach the peak of it, you would realise that solitude is the best thing that could happen to you. Because you are never going to let yourself down, or cheat for anyone. Life becomes so much easier that way.

Try solitude. 

29, Female, Unmarried.

You are 29, female and unmarried. You are career oriented, independent yet called a failure because you are unmarried. "Are you seeing someone?", they ask, unapologetic about questioning your private life. "Don't drag it too much, get married to him because you are 29", they advice later without even wanting to know your answer.

" Your friends are married, you should get married too. Look, your youngest cousin has a baby boy too. What are you doing with your life? Get married, because you are 29".

"What career are you talking about? Family comes first. Imagine being alone in the world down the line. You need kids to take care of you. Get married, because you are 29"

"Your parents are getting old. They would want to see you settle down. Get married, because you are 29"

"Sorry for being blunt, but since you are fat it's very difficult to find a guy who would want to get married to you. Find one at the earliest and get married, because you are 29 and ugly"

"Your biological clock is ticking. Get married, because you are 29"

The list goes on. And you wonder why they are worried about your age, your gender, your physique or anything for that matter, let alone your marital status.

Sometimes you ask yourself, "Am I doing the wrong thing? Should I just leave my career and plans behind and get married to someone who is already settled? Because I am 29, ugly and hopeless".

Your boyfriend tells you how terribly demanding a girlfriend you are, why no guy would ever want to be with you, and that he is doing you a favor; all these because you told him you can't handle his drama anymore.

You are ugly, fat, terrible, vicious, demanding, 29 and unmarried. Everyone you know reminds you of this, but has anyone ever bothered to ask whether you are happy? No. The truth is no one wants to know what makes you happy.

You take a pause and look around. Your married friends - most of them are unhappy. Some are still being in the relationship because they are stuck in marriage, responsibilites and kids and it's not easy to walk away. You get the stories of divorced women and men who tell you how divorce has helped them grow. You see single men and women unready to settle for something that's not meant to be.

You take another pause and retrospect the relationships you have had. You see how your relationships have grown sour because you want things to be a certain way or he wants you to be a certain way. How that he-is-the-real-deal turned out to be the biggest mistake of your life. How demanding you were, or how cheap he was.  How complicated you were and how arrogant he was.

You find yourself happier alone than with a man. You realise happiness is not defined by having someone in your life or not.

"You are not a marriage material", even your best friend tells you this. But let me tell you, you are not born to be someone's wife. You're not a half - better or worse - but a fully grown person. And the ultimate purpose of life is not always 'settling down'. If someone tells you so, you don't need them in your life because that's negativity.

They may judge you for having multiple male friends who you often hang out with, or the pathetic relationships you have had, but the truth is whatever you have done, you were either happy or have learnt a great lesson from it. You are unmarried because you chose to be, and that's huge  - to stick to your decisions.

You are single for a reason. Over the years you have learnt to be happy. You have successfully crossed that phase of wanting to be with someone. You are comfortable in your own skin and has other priorities such as career, travel, fitness and hey! You are doing a fab job! It's better to have your life organised  than wanting to organise someone else's.

Get married, not for a ceremony, not because you are getting old, not for any reason other than this - you want to share the rest of your life with a certain someone who respects you and your decisions, does not play the hindrance in your life, accepts you for your choices and loves you for who you are.

Until then, be 29, unmarried and happy.