9 years ago. Or so. I don't remember the exact time period.
One lazy afternoon. I swipe right and left through the dating app. "It's a match", comes the notification. An extremely handsome, young man. Way out of my league. We start chatting anyway. He walks me through his life right away. Not a pretty scene to be in. I believe all of them. I sense he wasn't in a good place. One of the many I was talking to. I am way off his league, so I am not even trying. No effort. But I look forward to his texts.
They are random. Nothing interesting. Yet, kept me hooked. One day we decide to meet. I reach first. I wait. There comes a tall handsome man. A little off from the pics. Maybe the depression, I sense. We enter the restaurant. We talk. About random stuff. Not even a moment of silence. We talk like we have known each other for ages. No dull moment. We step out. I ask him to drop me at the cafe nearby, where a couple of friends were waiting. We enter the car. He tells me he had a good time and we should do this often. We reach the destination. We hug. We part ways.
The usual, texts, once in a while. And then I meet with an accident. Down for a month. No texts throughout the period. I confront. He lashes out. He's in a much worse place, I realised. But I was still upset. I give up. Until one day, I get a heartbreaking message from him. I am numb. I want to meet him. Hug him. Console him. But I don't know where he stays. I call, the number is off. I give up. I could have tried, it wasn't difficult. But I never tried. And it was over.
Years went by. But, I think about him often. I stalk him online. He seems to be in a much better place. Left the country. Doing his own shit. I want to reach out. But, thoughts creep in. Was I ever relevant to him to even recognise me? Does he remember me? Should I want to look like a creep? I restrain from doing creepy stuff.
Once I casually mention this encounter to the best friend. Ping him, he says. He will think I am a creep, I say. It's been over a decade after all, I sigh. He may, he may not, just do it and see how it goes, the bad influence in my life tells me. I still don't want to do it. He has always been way off my league, there is nothing coming out of this, I tell myself.
But the influence has made the influence. I think about him way too often. And then comes the "reaching out to them all" phase. Yet, I don't text him. We weren't even friends, I convince myself. Until one day, I build the courage and text him on LinkedIn. He is not gonna see it, he will think I am creep. I don't open Linkedin for a few days. There won't be a reply anyway, I think. I open for something and I see the 2 in red in the message icon. I open. It's him.
I remember you, he says. Keeps in formal and takes it professional. Ofcourse we are on LinkedIn. I should have known. I am both elated and disappointed at the same time. Elated, because I have manifested hearing from him, despite knowing it would never happen. Disappointed because... I don't know. What was I even thinking.
And I break the ice. I tell him I tried reaching out to him, when he went off grid. His tone changes. He asks a few things and shares his phone number. I don't want to lose this opportunity. The universe gave me a second chance. But I don't want to screw it up.
He opens up. Tell me about his journey. I tell mine. Glad we are in touch again, he says. I am elated, I want to say, but I keep myself in check. The day goes by. I want to talk more. I can't contain my excitement. I text. I am more than happy you responded. He finally uses an emoji. This is unreal, I tell myself. I read and reread our messages.
Why am I excited, I ask myself. He is way above my league, I remind myself. I talk to myself. I tell myself things to give self a reality check. I wanted to hear from him, I heard from him, now I want more. The human mind is greedy, I proclaim. I pick up my blog, and write this down. I don't know what else to do. Maybe I'll let it be. Or manifest further.
I don't know. I am just blabbering. Someone help me.
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