That Undefinable Pain...

Have you ever felt that pain, something very intense? So intense that you fail to find a solution to tackle it. That pain which  occurs not necessarily due to extreme loneliness, or losing someone... But when you see a loved one in pain.... when you are constantly in touch with a soul that has everything but is in the most bizarre form of existence. When you end up counting days, live perplexed and remain skeptical about what would occur next. When nothing but negative energy surpasses your ability to cop with a given situation. When you know you can't do anything about it, but may be, just may be, pray... which you have always felt lame - to rely on an entity which never existed to you. When you drop that plan and repeatedly ask yourself, what can change the scenario to a certain level which would help everything associated to the pain.

When you literally think, discuss, eat and sleep on that thought of getting over this pain, from dawn to dusk. Sometimes unemotional, sometimes numb, sometimes extremely vulnerable. When all that you had considered 'pain' all through your life becomes nothing but just a notion of livelihood. When you live in a constant fear of getting shattered to an extent that would never bring you back to your normal self. When you become suspicious about even a minute positive thing that you think would be the sole reason behind changing your life forever.

As if you are standing at the other end of the tunnel, waiting for a stream of light that can illuminate your senses, and help you fix things ultimately, but as it approaches, the light is from a train that is going to eat your life and you'll be left just as a corpse with all your body parts smashed and destroyed to an unidentifiable peace of flesh....

That pain, undefinable yet intense and deep; that can't be shared nor have a solution for. That tears you apart, but still, somewhere deep inside you know, a phoenix is getting ready to arise from the ashes... 

Liberation of the Soul.

There  will be times when you enjoy everything around you - the sun, the stars, the waters, the skies,  the sands, the clouds, the plants, the colors, the paints, the nature, the times, the days, the years, and the people. You get everything you ask for, and there is only laughter and happiness around you. You love people, and everyone you meet. And then? And then you grow up. To one of those idiots who get lost in the chaos of the world’s unfair deals; who realize, everything you loved all those years was just a lie, specifically the people. You were so wrong dealing with them; you were deceived by the colors of the nature, you have never expected that it has a dark side too - a deep dark mouth which eats up the sane and happy side of you and leaves you traumatic.

You might have seen it all - love, rejection, separation, illness, disease, death, agony, heartbreak and a lot more. Some from others, and some from own experience. Now, you turn to find freedom from all the deceptions you have lived with, all through your life. You dream, of a better world, of better people and a better life. And in the long run, without even giving yourself a clue, you would have lost the ‘you’ which was another lie. 

You no longer find yourself surrounded by a lot of people. You have become less of a chatterbox than what you generally were; you talk only to a few people and slowly, you would learn you haven’t been talking at all, and even if you do, you find yourself having conversations only with people who tolerate rawness. In fact, you’ve found solace in being alone. You enjoy the little things in life; money no longer is the most important part of life. You start loving letters, words, phrases and sentences… paintings and sketches that never made sense to you… the kind of music which makes you smile all through the day and night… You think, re-think and over think… only about the smallest, craziest things in life that never thrilled you earlier and all the mental chaos have faded away. 

You start liking the raw side of people. The plain, raw side, where they no longer wear the mask of deception or run away from reality. Where they don’t just live to impress people, but show their true self. Where they lean towards someone else for a shoulder to cry when they actually want to cry, than to pretend that they are happy. Where they shout, scream, hit back and declare that they have been ridiculed. Where they call themselves worthless rather than portraying to be extraordinary. Where they live to live and not to exist. You like all of that anyway, because that’s exactly like what you now are - plain, raw flesh with a genuine soul that you consider human.

This phase might be the best phase of your life, as it offers you a lot more to explore - the naked side of life. This is the phase where you unknowingly seek liberation from all the things that had been troubling you all through your life. You are free now, to let go off all your fears, thoughts and insecurities. You’ve learnt to live, the way you exactly want, and nothing else matters to you anymore.

Emotional outbreaks no longer happen; people might say you’ve changed, they might call you cold, but you wouldn’t waste time listening to them or thinking about what they just said. You’re happy the way you are. And this phase is called, ‘Liberation of the Soul’. 

Birthdays... and all that..

What do birthdays remind you of?Gifts, phone calls, surprise parties,cake, boozing, dancing, celebrations. My definition was quite a bit that, until last year. But now, things have changed, apparently, to my surprise! That girl who used to crave for someone to make her feel special on this day, have stopped even thinking about all that! May be, that's what you call  a transformation - girl to woman. May be, some sort of realization that is... that you are not too special to be remembered on a certain special day. May be, the transformation from an emotional human  being to someone who is quite cold.  Yet to figure out, but not going to, as that's so much wastage of time.

Another year old, and a  lot of things have changed, most importantly the perception. It chills me to understand that I've not yet realized the purpose of my life as such. All i know is, I need to seek happiness, and pass it on. How to, is yet to be figured out.

And... wanderlust... the craving to travel and to explore... and to meet a lot of new people, learn more,  travel more, liberate....

Liberate.... liberate... that's exactly what I'm looking at.... to liberate...

At the age of 27, is it too late to seek liberation? Not possible? possibly not...coz nothing's impossible. Nothing is... and what does it take to liberate? Another episode to unveil...

PS: I'm literally not high.