Her struggles

Each day is a struggle to her. She wakes up to that unexplainable pain that succumbs her entire body, making her unable to move until she pushes herself to. The arms that sometimes stay unmovable, the neck that gives her the pain as though someone just tried to chop it off, the spine that can't even once give her solace. There wouldn't have been a day where she wishes to wake up and live like a normal human being with absolutely no pain.

Her day moves on with all the wrong people one could ever find. People who wouldn't know how to love, or value love or even value her, cringing her emotionally, mentally and psychologically. She still hopes to find goodness in people, meet the right ones some day.

She wishes to be heard, just like how she lends her ears to people who want to be heard. She keeps wishing that someone heard her without judging, without giving her their share of wisdom. She always chose strugglers, people who have seen it all, hoping that may be they would understand. But never has she been successful in letting them understand.

Rather, she gets to hear herself tagged as laidback, lazy, excuse maker, drama queen, idiot, unbelievable, attention seeker, big mouth, chatterbox...

She still moves on, though there is absolutely no reason to live. She lives, pushing herself each day to move forward, because she wants to take her last breath with the satisfaction of achieving something at least once in her life.

I wonder why! 

Random musings #2

My dear Imperfect guy,

I remember the last time we met - it was end to a new  beginning - when two imperfect people who were a bit too close to each other hugged casually for the sake of it and moved on with our lives with the new imperfect people we met. I clearly remember the last meeting before that last meeting when you wanted to go and I wanted to go but I had to rush to you and give you that one tight hug with all the love I had, and walk away before I knew that would be the last time.

Our world was adorned with hugs and sweet little nothings which meant something to us. Where I used to leave random stupid notes whenever we met, and you used to treasure each one of them. I even remember the time when I wrote something on a napkin and later used it without knowing it had my note and you shouted at me for being so careless.

I remember how we used to watch the moon and the stars in silence and wished that night never ended. The times when you slept off during the late night calls where the hardest - a lot remained unsaid and it still remains that way. We never had a closure, we still don't. May be, that was for something better where we could start over new?

The way you silenced throughout all my curious enquiries tore me apart. I wish you heard me and responded than leaving things grey. I remember how we used to pick up from where we left after every argument.

I remember how deeply we were connected though we shared nothing but the strong bond of friendship. There was love, may be not in the air, but in the darkest corners of our hearts. And there was something to look forward to in the imperfect man I called my friend. I remember how easily you touched my soul and left me breathless. You showed me I could be patient too, and be selfless without demanding even your time.

Years flew by, life changed, thoughts and even habits changed, but the emptiness still remains. Life would have been much better without certain people, they say; but no one speaks about how amazing life would be, with certain people by your side.

Our imperfections started showing up; I sulked, you sulked and we both succumbed to fate. You lost a friend, and I lost the love of my life, and we both lost a lot of good times together. But deep inside, I wish, things changed to something much more beautiful than what we used to share.

Or was it all just a dream? Did you even exist? Were you actually perfect enough not to have the imperfect person around you or did you sulk more than I did? Or was that me who gave up too easily? Too many questions, still unanswered, still keeping me wide awake even after years...