Home That's Never Mine

 I've always been fortunate and privileged enough not to shift houses because my father had already established himself successful in his career by the time I was born and there was no looking back. However, I have lived in multiple houses once I grew up and that was a choice. 

The first time I moved houses was when I was barely 5. When my father decided we deserved to live in a bigger house. The house that was our home was also his, which still holds some fond memories - playing with cousins all the time (what else would a 3-4 year old do), some friendly neighbours, lots of movies and music, cuddles with mom and grandma.... So on and so forth. Strangely, none of my memories from that period features my sister, because she was truly absent from my life. 

And then we moved to this bigger house, where I grew up. It was beautiful, filled with furniture and people, but empty. I barely felt happiness in that house. I had noone to play with, no one to share my happiness and sorrows with... Everyone was busy with their own things and the loneliness eventually made me the spoilt brat which I am not proud of. 

Even though I have lived in that house for over 2 decades, it never felt like mine. It was my parents' and I just couldn't wait to go as far as possible from all of them. That house still remains but it never felt like home, though that's were all the memories reside and strangely keeps popping up in my dreams as my current home. 

Eventually I moved away to another city and has lived in hostels, PGs, shared apartments and even though I have had a ball of a time in some of these places, even they didn't feel like home. They were crashing pads. Nothing else. 

And our current residence. A much smaller space, where my parents have been living for over a decade, and I joined quite a few years ago. This place has a warmth to it, though it is congested with all the furniture from the big house and all that, but I has a calmness that I cannot begin to explain. Maybe because we started living here when we all had evolved to better humans and started accepting each other with our flaws - well, to be honest I don't know whether that explanation is applicable to my parents but I have certainly changed. They are in their last leg of life and I probably have some more of life left to experience, and in this house we have seen the kind of misery we never experienced earlier, but even then, even when it's still my parents' house, it does feel like home. Finally, a place I can call my home. 

I do have a dream of having a space of my own, where I'd thrive, but until that dream becomes a reality, this is home. And I have been treating it that way. Maintaining it, taking care of it. Truth to be told, it took a while to embrace it, but I am glad I did... And it reflects in the quality of life and bond that we share right now. 

Ofcourse there are still times when even this one doesn't feel like mine, but that is momentary. Also, I have come to terms with the fact that, a speck of dust that we are in the cast universe, is there anything that's truly ours????? 

Moving On

 Until recently, death would bother me. Funerals, even more. 

As a professional overthinker, a funeral place firstly reminds me of the time I lost my brother, and it pricks me so deep, the vivid memory of him lying motionless in a glass box... And then other thoughts creep in - the moments that I dread - death of my loved ones.

The bawling, the rants, the pain, the grief - all of them take me to a realm I never want to experience. A gentle reminder that life is unpredictable and death is the only certain thing. That we are all growing old and the people I looked upto growing up, the presence of humans I felt all through my life, all of that is slowly going to fade away. Parents, uncles and aunts, cousins and friends... All of that's gonna go. Slowly, but certainly. 

And that thought and feeling inject and undeniable pain in me, and I have often found myself sobbing in funeral homes of people I have barely known. Until last week.

Last week, I attended a mourning of a relative and to my surprise, after a long 11 years of experiencing grief of what the future beholds, I found myself not experiencing any of that. It's a first in over a decade and it was peaceful. It was just another passing away of a random relative and that was it. No grief, no pain, no overthinking. 

And I am so glad I noticed. No anxiety. No pain. No low mood. No sobbing. Maybe this is what they call healing. Or moving on. And I am glad, I am getting there. Not because I don't fear any of that anymore, but that I am finally getting myself prepared to face it all. 

Matches Made on Apps

 You swipe left and left and more lefts.

And something catches your eye. A smile. 6'2". "Here for meaningful conversations." "Looking for something meaningful." You think, may be this is it. You swipe right. "It's a match".  You need to initiate a conversation. You send "hey". You get a hey back. A few back and forth of small talks. They say "beauty is subjective, I prefer inner beauty than looks." "I am not a ghost. I am going to show up. I believe in connection". "I am an old school romantic. I am here only because what other choice do we have." You think, oh wow, these vibes. Maybe this is it. Then they go silent. Minutes. Hours. Days. You wonder why. And then, you try to initiate conversation.  And then unmatch. You, an already anxious, low self-esteem, self reflecting, insecure person, feels terrible. You think you are the problem. You curse yourself for being a terrible person, for saying something that might have triggered them. You feel responsible. But it's over. You can't fix it anymore. You drop a tear. And then you move on. You go back to swipe left and left and more lefts. And then comes another right swipe. And it's a match. and the never ending loop. 

Where did all the old-school romance disappear? Maybe amidst all these apps, where people are commodities and totally reachable all the time. It's a match, even when it's not. Heaven is taking a break, I suppose, and I end up "matching" with all the wrong ones. 

The initial butterflies. The thrill. The kick. Disappears in a few minutes. 

You yearn for that romance. The love that sweeps you over. Long conversations. Baring the deepest part of your soul. Connection. The person who feels like Sundays. Your soulmate. Where has it all gone? 

Take me back to the old times. Where love is felt right. Not swiped right. 

The Idea of Love

I have been wondering offlate whether I have ever been in love! 

I mean, ofcourse, there have been multiple instances where I have yearned for certain people and wished to be their something, but then, as I grow older and quite wiser, I feel I was never in love with them. 

I was in love with the idea of love. Even the slightest of attention, or even a smile towards me made me feel special, and that, I realise, was because I have never really felt special ever in life. 

And do you know why? Because I never thought I was special, to begin with, and the burdened others with expectations, it was too much for them to take. 

It took me a while, but atleast now, I mean close to 40, I get this epiphany that the special feeling I have always yearned for, should come from within. Ofcourse, that doesn't mean to be on a narcissistic or selfish level, but close to reality - accepting self as who I am and getting better each day for self and others. 

Pretty straight forward, ain't it? 🥹

Ok, I am blabbering. Bye. 

The Spark - Season 2, Episode 1

9 years ago. Or so. I don't remember the exact time period. 

One lazy afternoon. I swipe right and left through the dating app. "It's a match", comes the notification. An extremely handsome, young man. Way out of my league. We start chatting anyway. He walks me through his life right away. Not a pretty scene to be in. I believe all of them. I sense he wasn't in a good place. One of the many I was talking to. I am way off his league, so I am not even trying. No effort. But I look forward to his texts. 

They are random. Nothing interesting. Yet, kept me hooked. One day we decide to meet. I reach first. I wait. There comes a tall handsome man. A little off from the pics. Maybe the depression, I sense. We enter the restaurant. We talk. About random stuff. Not even a moment of silence. We talk like we have known each other for ages. No dull moment. We step out. I ask him to drop me at the cafe nearby, where a couple of friends were waiting. We enter the car. He tells me he had a good time and we should do this often. We reach the destination. We hug. We part ways. 

The usual, texts, once in a while. And then I meet with an accident. Down for a month. No texts throughout the period. I confront. He lashes out. He's in a much worse place, I realised. But I was still upset. I give up. Until one day, I get a heartbreaking message from him. I am numb. I want to meet him. Hug him. Console him. But I don't know where he stays. I call, the number is off. I give up. I could have tried, it wasn't difficult. But I never tried. And it was over.

Years went by. But, I think about him often. I stalk him online. He seems to be in a much better place. Left the country. Doing his own shit. I want to reach out. But, thoughts creep in. Was I ever relevant to him to even recognise me? Does he remember me? Should I want to look like a creep? I restrain from doing creepy stuff. 

Once I casually mention this encounter to the best friend. Ping him, he says. He will think I am a creep, I say. It's been over a decade after all, I sigh. He may, he may not, just do it and see how it goes, the bad influence in my life tells me. I still don't want to do it. He has always been way off my league, there is nothing coming out of this, I tell myself. 

But the influence has made the influence. I think about him way too often. And then comes the "reaching out to them all" phase. Yet, I don't text him. We weren't even friends, I convince myself. Until one day, I build the courage and text him on LinkedIn. He is not gonna see it, he will think I am creep. I don't open Linkedin for a few days. There won't be a reply anyway, I think. I open for something and I see the 2 in red in the message icon. I open. It's him.

I remember you, he says. Keeps in formal and takes it professional. Ofcourse we are on LinkedIn. I should have known. I am both elated and disappointed at the same time. Elated, because I have manifested hearing from him, despite knowing it would never happen. Disappointed because... I don't know. What was I even thinking. 

And I break the ice. I tell him I tried reaching out to him, when he went off grid. His tone changes. He asks a few things and shares his phone number. I don't want to lose this opportunity. The universe gave me a second chance. But I don't want to screw it up. 

He opens up. Tell me about his journey. I tell mine. Glad we are in touch again, he says. I am elated, I want to say, but I keep myself in check. The day goes by. I want to talk more. I can't contain my excitement. I text. I am more than happy you responded. He finally uses an emoji. This is unreal, I tell myself. I read and reread our messages. 

Why am I excited, I ask myself. He is way above my league, I remind myself. I talk to myself. I tell myself things to give self a reality check. I wanted to hear from him, I heard from him, now I want more. The human mind is greedy, I proclaim. I pick up my blog, and write this down. I don't know what else to do. Maybe I'll let it be. Or manifest further. 

I don't know. I am just blabbering. Someone help me. 

Feeling alive

 Alone. 

Near the sea. 

Listening to the calming sound of the ocean. 

Watching the deep dark sky, ready to pour any time. 

The sweet smell of grass combined with the ecstatic fragrance of wet, muddy ground. 

The freshness of mint from the mouth freshener caressing the tongue

The exotic breeze tickling the skin.

My senses finally feel alive. 

Away from the madness of life and the stress and everything else in between 

I finally feel alive

All over again.  

The Epiphany

It has come to this.

Time went by

Waiting for the right time and right person.

Came across all the wrongs

But the right never came.

It has come to this. 

Never a fear

But the saddest reality

That may be you are meant to be alone

There are no fairytales, 

The happily ever after has no one but you

Living alone, dying alone 

The Epiphany

You are never alone

You have you. 

You have only you. 

 

Final Goodbye

 He looked into her eyes and smiled. She could feel her heart melting looking into his eyes. Matured love, she thought. This man knows what he wants. So does she. He said he is sure about her. She wasnt. Not so much. He, in totality is nice, but the specifics bothered her. But she brushed them under the rug and believed his words. Maybe she was being overly sensitive and looking from a lens of past trauma. This is a brand new person. Brand new experience. Give him a chance, she told herself. 

They stood like that, looking at each other until the train finally showed signs of movement. Her heart skipped a beat. He is leaving. The man who could be the one. But why is she sad? Was it because they wouldn't see each other again or that something inside her said this could be the last meeting? She wasn't sure. She bid goodbye and waited for his call. 

He did. There was communication. It was everything she wanted. There was love. There was warmth. There was constant attention. Everything she craved for. This is it, she told herself. Until one day, she noticed everything slowly disappearing. To a point where there were no calls. No pleasantries. No replies. 

I am busy, he said. How can someone be so busy that he doesn't have time to text the same? Wasn't this the same person who would sneak in messages between calls? How can his life change overnight? Or was it hers that changed? 

Wasn't something that she did? Did she stop caring for him, or is that what he thinks? Is she throwing tantrums? Is she being clingy? Or is it over? She just couldn't indentify. So she did what felt was right. She told him she can't do this anymore. He would say she was crazy, but this isn't what she signed up for. She didn't want to yearn for attention and love. She is a grown up woman. If she doesn't choose what's good for her atleast now, consider her the stupidest woman in the whole wide world. She didn't want that. She wanted peace. And love. If he can't give her both, he can go. 

She told him. This is the end. My final Goodbye. He didn't respond. Too busy to stop the woman he claimed to be hers. Too busy to even say a final Goodbye.  

But she was glad. She wasn't stupid afterall. She saw it through. Despite getting her heart broken into shards, she knew she finally, didn't cling on to something that wasn't meant to be. She let it go. For her own good. She is smart. 

Perspective Shift

 Okay, for one, I am really bad with titles and headings so kindly ignore.

The sky was cloudy. I thought I'll take a rickshaw anyway, even though it means shelling out some money. I stepped into the auto and as usual, the muscle memory, made me take my phone out and scroll through. Thanks to my migraine or motion sickness, whoever needs the credit, please take it... made me realize scrolling through the drive means splitting headache and everything else thar follows, so I gently pushed the phone into my bag, and looked around. 

The weather was pleasant (for me, I prefer cold over heat) and suddenly it started drizzling. Drizzle transformed into a thunderstorm and somehow that brightened my mood. I was taking my usual route, but after a very very long time, I cut off the inner chitter chatter and looked around. Rain occasionally sprayed on my face, thanks to the wind, and it felt heavenly.

A boy and a girl, smiling at each other, walking to the bus-stop under an umbrella, the boy's arms where around her shoulders - what a pleasant scene to witness. They might be a couple or just friends, but I wanted it to be the former and manifested a beautiful life ahead for them. 

A lady in a blue salwar suit, walking swiftly towards another bus stop. I hope she doesn't miss her bus.

Another couple... or friends... waiting under a building with a couple of other people, tension built up in the girl's face, it was certain all she wanted was the rain to subside. 

A beautiful Victorian building, serving as a government office now, beautifully drenched in rain. 

A swarm of vehicles waiting to reach their destination.

And a lot more. 

There would have been various emotions in this single ride, where mine was nothing but pleasant.

I realized, i have stopped observing the world like I used to do. It was either rushing from one destination to another, or a plight of thoughts covering my mind. And after long, when I looked around, I felt, the world is indeed beautiful. And maybe, I am missing out on a lot by embracing stress instead. 

It's Their World and I'm Just Living in it!

 All through my life, I thought, like everyone else, that I'm the main character, and that's where the conflicts in my life begun. It took me 35+ years to realize the most important reality of my life - It's everyone else's world and I'm just living in it! 

I've never been anybody's Numero Uno! My best friends from all the schools I have studied in had other best friends. My best friends in my adult-life also had other best friends. My parents had a favorite child and that wasn't me. (Ironically, my sibling thinks I was my parents' favorite, LOL) The first boy I got into a relationship with, had many girlfriends 🤣🤣🤣 All the boys I fell for and rejected my love have friendzoned me because they had solid relationships going on in the background, but all of them refused to share it with me, leaving me expecting them to reciprocate someday. I was kept in the dark. I have been a third wheel since time immemorial for all my girl friends. All the workplaces I have been it, no matter how hard I worked, and gave the best, felt I could have contributed further more. I was never enough. I never was. And I struggled, in all of these scenarios, to be the Number 1 choice. Through subtle manipulation to emotional blackmailing - I tried it all! (None of that was intentional) Because, how come I not be the Number 1 in a world where I AM THE MAIN CHARACTER?

And then, I slowly started hitting me that maybe I am not the main character. And I accepted it, and put myself in the sideline and accepted it as my fate - to survive in their world as a side character. To be honest, I easily gelled into the whole situation. Yes, it was super easy. Expectations drastically came down and I was also ready to take the bullets for all the main characters, because that's what the side ones do, right? 

This acceptance kind of started changing something in my life altogether. I started getting attention which I stopped seeking for. A few people started calling me their best friend, (I didn't even think I was important to them), I have more true, caring and understanding friends than I ever did, the boy I had a crush on said he has a crush on me ( fleeting moment, and he refused to accept it later, but I take it), some random guy called me beautiful (LOL),  someone called me I am the elder sister she never had and look up to me, my parents started appreciating everything I do for them, people volunteered to listen to my rants, even random toddlers smile at me and wanted to spend time with me (That's new! I have only intimidated them until then), my employers said they like me and my work... I mean, all of it started changing, out of the blue, and I think that's because I left the main character energy into the oblivion. 

But the problem is, I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THESE! I ended up thinking people are just bluffing, or doing it for the social media, or are being manipulative... When there are more than two people in a room including me, and there is a talk on SHE/HER pointing at me, I have, more than once, been shaken and surprised because "how come they noticed me? Am I not invisible?" And guess what! I end up intimidating all of them, shooing them away, mistrusting them, and believing that all of these are temporary. I mean how come people appreciate me, I am not the main character of this story!

But now, I think it's about time, I accept that I AM THE MAIN CHARACTER OF MY STORY AND I AM ALSO LIVING IN OTHER PEOPLE'S WORLDS WHERE THEY ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS. That's the reality of it all, ain't it? Maybe I should just start accepting the love that's been poured my way instead of rejecting it saying I don't deserve it. I deserve everything good that's coming my way, and learn to embrace it. It could be temporary, but enjoy it while it lasts! 

And I am writing this not just to validate myself and my feelings, and all the validation that's coming my way, and be grateful about it, but also to tell YOU that stop thinking like I did. You are important, and you are loved and seen too. YOU ARE VALID! And most importantly, the ONLY VALIDATION you must seek should be from YOU! Everyone else is a side character in your story! 😙😙😙😙😙