The Idea of Love

I have been wondering offlate whether I have ever been in love! 

I mean, ofcourse, there have been multiple instances where I have yearned for certain people and wished to be their something, but then, as I grow older and quite wiser, I feel I was never in love with them. 

I was in love with the idea of love. Even the slightest of attention, or even a smile towards me made me feel special, and that, I realise, was because I have never really felt special ever in life. 

And do you know why? Because I never thought I was special, to begin with, and the burdened others with expectations, it was too much for them to take. 

It took me a while, but atleast now, I mean close to 40, I get this epiphany that the special feeling I have always yearned for, should come from within. Ofcourse, that doesn't mean to be on a narcissistic or selfish level, but close to reality - accepting self as who I am and getting better each day for self and others. 

Pretty straight forward, ain't it? 🥹

Ok, I am blabbering. Bye. 

The Spark - Season 2, Episode 1

9 years ago. Or so. I don't remember the exact time period. 

One lazy afternoon. I swipe right and left through the dating app. "It's a match", comes the notification. An extremely handsome, young man. Way out of my league. We start chatting anyway. He walks me through his life right away. Not a pretty scene to be in. I believe all of them. I sense he wasn't in a good place. One of the many I was talking to. I am way off his league, so I am not even trying. No effort. But I look forward to his texts. 

They are random. Nothing interesting. Yet, kept me hooked. One day we decide to meet. I reach first. I wait. There comes a tall handsome man. A little off from the pics. Maybe the depression, I sense. We enter the restaurant. We talk. About random stuff. Not even a moment of silence. We talk like we have known each other for ages. No dull moment. We step out. I ask him to drop me at the cafe nearby, where a couple of friends were waiting. We enter the car. He tells me he had a good time and we should do this often. We reach the destination. We hug. We part ways. 

The usual, texts, once in a while. And then I meet with an accident. Down for a month. No texts throughout the period. I confront. He lashes out. He's in a much worse place, I realised. But I was still upset. I give up. Until one day, I get a heartbreaking message from him. I am numb. I want to meet him. Hug him. Console him. But I don't know where he stays. I call, the number is off. I give up. I could have tried, it wasn't difficult. But I never tried. And it was over.

Years went by. But, I think about him often. I stalk him online. He seems to be in a much better place. Left the country. Doing his own shit. I want to reach out. But, thoughts creep in. Was I ever relevant to him to even recognise me? Does he remember me? Should I want to look like a creep? I restrain from doing creepy stuff. 

Once I casually mention this encounter to the best friend. Ping him, he says. He will think I am a creep, I say. It's been over a decade after all, I sigh. He may, he may not, just do it and see how it goes, the bad influence in my life tells me. I still don't want to do it. He has always been way off my league, there is nothing coming out of this, I tell myself. 

But the influence has made the influence. I think about him way too often. And then comes the "reaching out to them all" phase. Yet, I don't text him. We weren't even friends, I convince myself. Until one day, I build the courage and text him on LinkedIn. He is not gonna see it, he will think I am creep. I don't open Linkedin for a few days. There won't be a reply anyway, I think. I open for something and I see the 2 in red in the message icon. I open. It's him.

I remember you, he says. Keeps in formal and takes it professional. Ofcourse we are on LinkedIn. I should have known. I am both elated and disappointed at the same time. Elated, because I have manifested hearing from him, despite knowing it would never happen. Disappointed because... I don't know. What was I even thinking. 

And I break the ice. I tell him I tried reaching out to him, when he went off grid. His tone changes. He asks a few things and shares his phone number. I don't want to lose this opportunity. The universe gave me a second chance. But I don't want to screw it up. 

He opens up. Tell me about his journey. I tell mine. Glad we are in touch again, he says. I am elated, I want to say, but I keep myself in check. The day goes by. I want to talk more. I can't contain my excitement. I text. I am more than happy you responded. He finally uses an emoji. This is unreal, I tell myself. I read and reread our messages. 

Why am I excited, I ask myself. He is way above my league, I remind myself. I talk to myself. I tell myself things to give self a reality check. I wanted to hear from him, I heard from him, now I want more. The human mind is greedy, I proclaim. I pick up my blog, and write this down. I don't know what else to do. Maybe I'll let it be. Or manifest further. 

I don't know. I am just blabbering. Someone help me. 

Feeling alive

 Alone. 

Near the sea. 

Listening to the calming sound of the ocean. 

Watching the deep dark sky, ready to pour any time. 

The sweet smell of grass combined with the ecstatic fragrance of wet, muddy ground. 

The freshness of mint from the mouth freshener caressing the tongue

The exotic breeze tickling the skin.

My senses finally feel alive. 

Away from the madness of life and the stress and everything else in between 

I finally feel alive

All over again.  

The Epiphany

It has come to this.

Time went by

Waiting for the right time and right person.

Came across all the wrongs

But the right never came.

It has come to this. 

Never a fear

But the saddest reality

That may be you are meant to be alone

There are no fairytales, 

The happily ever after has no one but you

Living alone, dying alone 

The Epiphany

You are never alone

You have you. 

You have only you. 

 

Final Goodbye

 He looked into her eyes and smiled. She could feel her heart melting looking into his eyes. Matured love, she thought. This man knows what he wants. So does she. He said he is sure about her. She wasnt. Not so much. He, in totality is nice, but the specifics bothered her. But she brushed them under the rug and believed his words. Maybe she was being overly sensitive and looking from a lens of past trauma. This is a brand new person. Brand new experience. Give him a chance, she told herself. 

They stood like that, looking at each other until the train finally showed signs of movement. Her heart skipped a beat. He is leaving. The man who could be the one. But why is she sad? Was it because they wouldn't see each other again or that something inside her said this could be the last meeting? She wasn't sure. She bid goodbye and waited for his call. 

He did. There was communication. It was everything she wanted. There was love. There was warmth. There was constant attention. Everything she craved for. This is it, she told herself. Until one day, she noticed everything slowly disappearing. To a point where there were no calls. No pleasantries. No replies. 

I am busy, he said. How can someone be so busy that he doesn't have time to text the same? Wasn't this the same person who would sneak in messages between calls? How can his life change overnight? Or was it hers that changed? 

Wasn't something that she did? Did she stop caring for him, or is that what he thinks? Is she throwing tantrums? Is she being clingy? Or is it over? She just couldn't indentify. So she did what felt was right. She told him she can't do this anymore. He would say she was crazy, but this isn't what she signed up for. She didn't want to yearn for attention and love. She is a grown up woman. If she doesn't choose what's good for her atleast now, consider her the stupidest woman in the whole wide world. She didn't want that. She wanted peace. And love. If he can't give her both, he can go. 

She told him. This is the end. My final Goodbye. He didn't respond. Too busy to stop the woman he claimed to be hers. Too busy to even say a final Goodbye.  

But she was glad. She wasn't stupid afterall. She saw it through. Despite getting her heart broken into shards, she knew she finally, didn't cling on to something that wasn't meant to be. She let it go. For her own good. She is smart. 

Perspective Shift

 Okay, for one, I am really bad with titles and headings so kindly ignore.

The sky was cloudy. I thought I'll take a rickshaw anyway, even though it means shelling out some money. I stepped into the auto and as usual, the muscle memory, made me take my phone out and scroll through. Thanks to my migraine or motion sickness, whoever needs the credit, please take it... made me realize scrolling through the drive means splitting headache and everything else thar follows, so I gently pushed the phone into my bag, and looked around. 

The weather was pleasant (for me, I prefer cold over heat) and suddenly it started drizzling. Drizzle transformed into a thunderstorm and somehow that brightened my mood. I was taking my usual route, but after a very very long time, I cut off the inner chitter chatter and looked around. Rain occasionally sprayed on my face, thanks to the wind, and it felt heavenly.

A boy and a girl, smiling at each other, walking to the bus-stop under an umbrella, the boy's arms where around her shoulders - what a pleasant scene to witness. They might be a couple or just friends, but I wanted it to be the former and manifested a beautiful life ahead for them. 

A lady in a blue salwar suit, walking swiftly towards another bus stop. I hope she doesn't miss her bus.

Another couple... or friends... waiting under a building with a couple of other people, tension built up in the girl's face, it was certain all she wanted was the rain to subside. 

A beautiful Victorian building, serving as a government office now, beautifully drenched in rain. 

A swarm of vehicles waiting to reach their destination.

And a lot more. 

There would have been various emotions in this single ride, where mine was nothing but pleasant.

I realized, i have stopped observing the world like I used to do. It was either rushing from one destination to another, or a plight of thoughts covering my mind. And after long, when I looked around, I felt, the world is indeed beautiful. And maybe, I am missing out on a lot by embracing stress instead. 

It's Their World and I'm Just Living in it!

 All through my life, I thought, like everyone else, that I'm the main character, and that's where the conflicts in my life begun. It took me 35+ years to realize the most important reality of my life - It's everyone else's world and I'm just living in it! 

I've never been anybody's Numero Uno! My best friends from all the schools I have studied in had other best friends. My best friends in my adult-life also had other best friends. My parents had a favorite child and that wasn't me. (Ironically, my sibling thinks I was my parents' favorite, LOL) The first boy I got into a relationship with, had many girlfriends 🤣🤣🤣 All the boys I fell for and rejected my love have friendzoned me because they had solid relationships going on in the background, but all of them refused to share it with me, leaving me expecting them to reciprocate someday. I was kept in the dark. I have been a third wheel since time immemorial for all my girl friends. All the workplaces I have been it, no matter how hard I worked, and gave the best, felt I could have contributed further more. I was never enough. I never was. And I struggled, in all of these scenarios, to be the Number 1 choice. Through subtle manipulation to emotional blackmailing - I tried it all! (None of that was intentional) Because, how come I not be the Number 1 in a world where I AM THE MAIN CHARACTER?

And then, I slowly started hitting me that maybe I am not the main character. And I accepted it, and put myself in the sideline and accepted it as my fate - to survive in their world as a side character. To be honest, I easily gelled into the whole situation. Yes, it was super easy. Expectations drastically came down and I was also ready to take the bullets for all the main characters, because that's what the side ones do, right? 

This acceptance kind of started changing something in my life altogether. I started getting attention which I stopped seeking for. A few people started calling me their best friend, (I didn't even think I was important to them), I have more true, caring and understanding friends than I ever did, the boy I had a crush on said he has a crush on me ( fleeting moment, and he refused to accept it later, but I take it), some random guy called me beautiful (LOL),  someone called me I am the elder sister she never had and look up to me, my parents started appreciating everything I do for them, people volunteered to listen to my rants, even random toddlers smile at me and wanted to spend time with me (That's new! I have only intimidated them until then), my employers said they like me and my work... I mean, all of it started changing, out of the blue, and I think that's because I left the main character energy into the oblivion. 

But the problem is, I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THESE! I ended up thinking people are just bluffing, or doing it for the social media, or are being manipulative... When there are more than two people in a room including me, and there is a talk on SHE/HER pointing at me, I have, more than once, been shaken and surprised because "how come they noticed me? Am I not invisible?" And guess what! I end up intimidating all of them, shooing them away, mistrusting them, and believing that all of these are temporary. I mean how come people appreciate me, I am not the main character of this story!

But now, I think it's about time, I accept that I AM THE MAIN CHARACTER OF MY STORY AND I AM ALSO LIVING IN OTHER PEOPLE'S WORLDS WHERE THEY ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS. That's the reality of it all, ain't it? Maybe I should just start accepting the love that's been poured my way instead of rejecting it saying I don't deserve it. I deserve everything good that's coming my way, and learn to embrace it. It could be temporary, but enjoy it while it lasts! 

And I am writing this not just to validate myself and my feelings, and all the validation that's coming my way, and be grateful about it, but also to tell YOU that stop thinking like I did. You are important, and you are loved and seen too. YOU ARE VALID! And most importantly, the ONLY VALIDATION you must seek should be from YOU! Everyone else is a side character in your story! 😙😙😙😙😙

Brain Rot

I have been hearing this phrase quite often now all over the internet, and was oblivious of what it is, until it actually happened to me. 

For the past few months, my mood has been extremely low or irritable, and I just couldn't understand why. These are the possible reasons that I could find:

a) monotonous life 

b) no stepping out, no social life = sad life 

c) always seeing the same faces every day

d) haven't travelled in a year

e) too tired for anything, even to have a conversation

f) no friends to rely on in the city 

g) no excitement in life

f) no boyfriend 

I made up my mind. I have to go somewhere. Somewhere calm and quiet and spend some time alone; rejuvenate and come back. And if possible meet some old friends too. And I booked a resort for the month of April. 

Meanwhile, I noticed a pattern - my mind was cluttered, there were too many thoughts and internal conversation going on at the same time and I just couldn't focus on anything, not even reading a fictional novel, which would transport to me some other world. No interest in films or series. No interest to even work. Low self-esteem, existential crisis, feeling like I have failed in life. So on and so forth. 

And then, it actually occurred to me; INSTAGRAM REELS - I have been watching too many reels and too much of instagram exposure was affecting my entire system. I have been feeling things I shouldn't including FOMO and comparing myself with my peers. And I was changing into someone I have never desired to become. And then, without a second thought, I deactivated my instagram account overnight. And boom! Within a few days, my mood and everything else improved!

I haven't exaggerated even one bit. Instagram was the villain in my life and now that I am aware, I am quite mindful of what I visually indulge in. I don't know how long I could just keep myself away from the flow but as of now, I know, it was BRAINROT and only I could help myself. And here I am. Doing what I should rather be doing. 

The Good Girl Syndrome

I have been noticing a pattern in my female peers, who were raised with values similar to what my parents tried to impart in me, AKA regressive, patriarchal, misogynistic thoughts - "I don't talk to men, I don't have male friends, I am very soft-spoken, I listen to my parents/husband, I have never had a boyfriend, I have and will never make people say bad things about me, I strongly believe in my God and my religion and caste is superior, I follow their rules and would take the values and morals they have given me to my grave, I don't even let my husband touch me because I believe think sex is divine and only for procreation" yada yada yada. In short, the "perfect" KULASTHREE. I have nothing but sympathy for them, for being slaves of other people's expectations and misogyny, trying hard to please everyone and stay in their good books and together judge everyone who doesn't follow the said values. 

Duh!

If you have read my previous blogs, or you know me personally, you'd know that I am none of all that; in fact, I am exactly opposite of everything mentioned above. So, you could imagine how my neighbors and family see me. 😅 The black sheep, indeed. 

However, over the years, especially after spending quite a lot of my time with a manipulative, people pleaser and moving back home once and for all to live with my parents, where the only social interaction is with the said neighbours and relatives, something in me, has changed. I realise, I have evolved into a people pleaser now, constantly seeking their validation, but not giving up on the perspective I have gained over time, and sharing my views rather subtly and not aggressively, hiding some part of me from public to avoid sceutiny and sometimes agreeing to them even though I don't mean it. I have caught the "good girl syndrome" without even realising it. 😔 And that realisation struck me like a lightning. I have become what I never wanted to be. 

So, I am gonna work on myself, to go back to the rebel self 😅 people won't be pleased but since the benchmark is low (they hated me, well, still hate me, for being opinionated once upon a time) so I think I can go back to that without disrupting my peace. Because, I don't need any of their validation. 

Wish me luck.  

The Unknown Legacy

Are we even aware of the story or history of our ancestors? 

The one before our grandparents? 

How did they look? What did they do? How many children did they have? How many did they lose? How did they bring up their kids? How many partners did they have? How did they treat their partners? Were they educated? Did they have any morbidity? Did they pass it on to the successors? Where they rich? Did they experience any war or natural calamities? What was their mortality? What were their struggles? How was their social life? Have their been incestual partnerships? Or affairs? Were there any illegitimate children?

And their predecessors? Where did they come from? What made them settle here? Did they even imagine their future generations to live the life we are living right now? 

How about the future? How many more generations would we have? Or will it end with me and my sibling? What about my cousins? How many generations more would they have? What all will they have to face? Calamities, wars, global warming, what all? 

So many more questions. Everything will remain unknown to us. 

Mental Health & Family History

This might be a controversial subject, especially when my extended family reads this, but I am glad no one will, cuz this is my personal punching bag. 

Anyway, I have noticed that there many cases of mental health issues in our family - father's side especially. Since I have a little bit of knowledge reading up on mental health issues, I can totally see that there are various issues around. Some are diagnosed, some still in denial, and the rest in delusion. I have also felt that this could be genetic, but I just don't know where it all started. 

But, recently, I have noticed a pattern in a family member (who is no longer alive) from conversations, and I feel that person could have been the source. Or one of the sources.  However, whoever I mentioned this to, are in denial, and the worst, pointing fingers at me saying I could be the one with THE problem 🙂

I somehow feel like Mariamma, from The Covenant of Water, who gets on a mission to identify the cause of a certain pattern in her family, but I am neither brainy, nor have the courage/energy to go behind this lost cause. 

But, I really wish, people identify that there is a strong chance we could pass this on and on, and stop procreating overall. Not just my family, but in general. And in mine, some of us, knowingly or unknowingly aren't procreating anyway, so that fear is gone. 

Ok, rant done. Bye. 

Bitterness

I noticed one thing (amongst many other things) about myself lately - that I have some sort of bitterness towards this gen relatives, and relatives in general. I started looking for reasons - I mean, why would I feel bitterness towards some random kids who have not done anything wrong to me? The answer was quite straight forward but ridiculous (yes, I know)

Their parents, grandparents, the entire relatives I have got, have judged me left right and center and made my life a hell back in my early adolescence. The clothes I wear (it has always been modest), my ass, my boobs, my facial feature, my friendships, my lifestyle, the pictures I post on social media - every fucking thing had been scrutinised and badmouthed to, which ofcourse reached my parents, so eventhough I gave zero fucks about what others thought and lived my life the way I wanted, I had to be answerable for every fucking thing, which was truly none of anybody's business. I mean, I wasn't doing anything illegal or harmful, so why the fuck do people have a problem? 

And then, I see the same people's kids and grandkids doing every fucking thing I did, and living their life to the fullest, with no scrutiny, I find myself building despise towards them. So bitter I want to tear them all apart. Why did I have to face all the bad things, but these kids have it all easy? 

Which made me remember this one thing a cousin once told me - every family would have a black sheep, who's walk against the crowd, take all the pain and sufferings, but makes it easy for the rest of them. And that I am that person in our family. 

So, may be, I should just change the narrative and be proud of myself that I made life easier for these kids. 

It's a task. To change those distortions, but not undoable. So I might as well do that. 

Rant over. 

Ok bye. 

Y2K. When I fell in love

Year 2000. 

The hysteria over the imaginary Y2K virus was finally over and all of us were excited about the life ahead. 

I was in grade 7, on the verge of finishing the academic year in a few months. Since my elder sibling was giving her 10th exams, switching on the television was strictly prohibited at home. My only timepass other than staring into infinity was off the radar. 

One morning, I heard this girl I used to despise (a good friend now) going gaga over some "new boy in bollywood" in the school bus. I couldn't even catch the name. And this became a regular episode. 

Curiosity started building up in me, "what's special about this new guy? Is he like Kunchako Boban?", I wondered. And then, I saw her making wild noises when the bus swift pass a movie theatre. There it was, the poster of the film - a tall, macho guy, with a random girl, and the title read "Kaho Naa... pyaar hai". 

"Another Fardeen Khan."

"Another flop actor."

"Doesn't even have a mustache"

And thus, my curiosity was met with nothing but disappointment. 

Until that point, only two things made me and my gang of friends go crazy - Arathy Chechi, (yeah, it's that same girl you are thinking of) a senior from school who we thought was the mallu doppelganger of Aiswarya Rai, and, ofcourse, Kunchako Boban. To be honest, I wasn't that much into KB, but went with the flow because my friends found him cute. 

So. Months went by. Sibling's exam was over. And television was back in our lives. 

Summer vacation was on. The local cable television back in the day used to have their own exclusive channel, where they'd play latest, pirated "theatre print" films. And I came across Kaho Naa... Pyaar hai. Since I had nothing much to do, I decided to give it a go. 

The songs were extremely catchy, but the girl was quite annoying. But, do we have another choice? Hero was introduced. "DUH!"

Hero meets heroine. (Car - cycle scene) Midhunam innocent.jpeg

And then, this happens. 

"Athisundar", I repeat after SoNYa. 

And that was the moment, dear friends... I fell in love. For the first time. In my life. With this man. Who I thought was "duh". 

That was also the moment, when I realised, that I like men... Even without mustache. 

And I decided, I would marry a Raj, Rohit or Rahul (the last one reference is from KKHH if you couldn't guess) Never came across a Raj, but the Rohit and Rahul episodes didn't go well as I thought. (Screaming still singleeeeee) 

Like most teenagers from my time, I would collect his pictures... Most of my tuition notebooks (because you don't have to cover them with brown paper) had him smiling at me. I would try sketching him, eventhough I am talentless.... The greetings cards I recieved would have his face... I wouldn't miss any of his films. (I had even watched I See You because he appears for like 10 seconds!)

When he announced his wedding, you can imagine how distrauted I was. That same feeling of distraution reappeared when he also announced his divorce, "he's so heartbroken, how do I make him feel happy all over again?" (LOL) And that feeling came back again when I heard he was dating a woman pretty much my age, and they met on twitter! "It could have been me". (ROFL)

Anyway. If you think tall, fair, macho, six-packed men are my type, then you are certainly wrong. Because, the same year... 2000... I also fell in love with another man. 👇

And from there.... Love would happen, every other month 😉 with men who were unavailable for me. (Lolololol)

Okbye. 

"Acha, What is Stress?"

I would have been grade 6 or 7. The one word that always intrigued by at the point was "tension", AKA Stress. I would here that word in every conversation at home, and I, ofcourse a child, who wasn't even worried about studies, was pretty chilled out know what tension was. But, I grew up seeing my parents always stressed about work, home, finances and what not. 

Myy relationship with my father was kind of ok back then; it became strained only when I got into college or so. So, one evening , during our tea-time, I casually asked my father, "what is tension? I don't think I have ever experienced it, not will I, but I am curious". I don't remember his reply, but the joke is on me, because life turned around within a year or two. 

My first bout of stress occurred during 10th grade. Pretty obvious, every child who grew up in the 90s know how it feels. "The decisive period". I remember having an extended menstrual period for over 15 days during the final exams. No one knew why, but today I know it was stress + pcod acting up. From there, my life was consumed by stress. Higher secondary admissions, grandmother's death (my first ever experience up-close) a major surgery right before +2, +2 results, college admissions, so on and so forth. 

Needless to say, at 37, I am on medication for depression and anxiety, and also fibromyalgia, majorly because of the stress that has consumed me 😃 and today, I still can't explain what exactly tension or stress is, but I can definitely tell you how it makes you suffer. 

Life's a little joke, I tell you! 

Sweet Tooth

I can still feel the taste of Saccharine in my mouth. From the small bite I took from a laddu that's been lying around at home. All thanks to my sibling who believes these enormous Saccharine filled delicacies could help our mom tackle the occasional low blood sugar episodes. Despite telling multiple times that, that's not exactly the right way to face the situation. 

Anyway, these sweets often become a hindrance to my always-on-no-sugar-diet. 

Even though my mother tells me that I was a relatively thin child, my memory of myself has always been that of my chubby phase. I have always identified myself as a fat person and nothing really could help me get rid of that image. 

I vividly remember deciding to lose weight when I was in 7th grade, even in my late 30s, I find it difficult to stick to that plan. The main culprit being my never ending love for sweets. 

The problem is I just can't stop with one bite. When the sensation of sugar  hits my tongue, I become something I am not. I'd pull that box of sweets and gobble up an entire box! No, I am not exaggerating. I have the record of eating 10 laddus in one go! And I don't even feel high. All I end up thinking is I NEED MORE! 

And this is one of the main reasons why I look the way I am - obese as per BMI scale. Apart from overeating everything else, ofcourse. 

A couple of years ago, I went on a no-sugar diet. After 60days, I went on a binge. And then I decided to keep one cheat day a week, but ended up gobbling all the calories I missed that entire week. And finally, I realised, may be, sugar and I can co-exist without hurting each other. 

Here I am. Still reminiscencing that one bite a took a few hours ago, and telling myself every other minute "this taste too shall pass".