I was quite naive and too immature back in the day (not much has changed now) and I have done many stupid things which I regret now. I wish I knew better, but I console myself stating age and inexperience. However, the one thing that I would probably regret for the rest of my life would be engineering.
I had no interest in engineering. When I was in my 10th grade, all I wanted was to become a doctor, thanks to the TV show Sanjeevani (Sasta Grey's Anatomy) My dramatic self was impressed by the show and wanted to be the replica of the protagonist (lol!) But, life had other plans.
My parents were adamant of sending me to an engineering college, if not Medical. You know, even today's brown parents don't know that other career options also exist. Anyway, due to various reasons, I who was preparing for medical entrance examination, ended up attempting only engineering entrance test (lol lol lol) and ofcourse not getting through.
But, my father isn't someone who'd give up. He was determined. He wanted me to go to engineering. No matter what. His reasoning was to give equal education to both his kids so that there is no room for complaints. But then, my ambition has slowly moved to becoming a fashion designer. How or why, I don't know. I wasn't even that passionate. My parents gave me the ultimatum - either engineering, or FD in an institute in Kerala! Since there is still no reputed fashion designing institutes in the state, you can imagine the situation back then ( 20 years ago to be precise) I gave up and told them "civil engineering then", because, my plan Z was to follow my father's career path (screams nepotism)
Anyway, I was told Electronics and Communication Engineering is the shizzzz and I should take that up. Did I even have a choice? ðŸ«
Now, this is not the part I regret. In fact, my parents should be the ones regretting taking that decision for me.
What I regret is going to that goddamn college. For not having a voice of my own. For not saying no. For not having decision making skills. For not having the means to research. For not having people in the family to support me and understand me. For taking my privilege for granted and stealing the opportunity of someone deserving. For not finishing my graduation. For dreading going to college. For despising my parents who were equally ignorant and clueless. For wasting my father's hard-earned money on something I was certain I would never finish.
The last part. That's the one which hurts me the most. I'd apply for exams every season but never showed up. That's privilege for you. Today, when I think of the kind of money I spent on exams, I want to slap myself. I made the university richer. That's the only good thing out of it all.
The only silver lining of this experience is that... Well, I learned a thing or two. That's about it. Nothing else. It was an absolute waste of time and money. That's all.
PS: I still don't know what I want in life. 😑 I have accepted the fact that I have no aspirations or ambitions. Sigh.
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