My Teaching Journey

I have been contemplating my career choices and thinking of doing something else, and content writing has a huge chance of being taken over by AI completely and my imposter syndrome kicks in every now and then, so it doesn't help me at all. 

So, I started applying for random jobs which I feel I could do, utilise my experience, including proofreading, content editing, and and and Teaching. Lol.

Well, yeah, it's indeed laugh worthy, because of all the people and all the things, I never wanted to teach. I applied anyway, and wanted to try my hands in teaching as well. Because the last time I did (home tuition for one of my neighbors) I realised I am patient enough and have the skills to teach. 

And eventually. I bagged a teaching job. Spoken English Trainer. Another LOL. Because my imposter syndrome also makes me panic and stutter most of the time I have to speak in English. 

Anyway, I started my sessions, and my first student made me feel this is worth it. A 60+ year old man, who is an illiterate, but is quite charged and determined to learn. He gave me a gist of his life and how he wanted to get a 10th grade certificate and study further. He also wanted to learn English speaking so that he could handle his business in a better way. He is a good learner too!

Honestly, it's difficult, because my teaching experience isn't great, and it's hard to make him learn since cannot read or write. But he is trying. And I am helping him while I could. 

So yeah. That's it. I just wanted to write about how heartwarming it was to find him sit across me and trying to learn. Which indeed reminded me of my father's determination as well. 

I don't know how long I will do this job, coz I am not very passionate about it (yet) but I am waiting for such little moments of happiness this could bring. 

Okbye. 

When Peer Pressure Makes You Feel Like A Failure

For the most part of my life, I was least bothered about what people think, or how I should be, to appease the society. I didn't bother about my looks, or the way I dressed - I used to have a very limited wardrobe and repeating clothes was least of my concerns. I have even worn slightly torn, shabby clothes and have even looked like a beggar, but it didn't matter to me. All that mattered was my happiness. Until I entered the mighty 30s and social media subconsciously made me compare my worth with others' achievements. 

I started working when I was 22, right after college. It was a content writer job, with decent pay and I was happy. I stuck to that career, through freelancing, even when I did random jobs. I never had any career goal or finance goal, and I think I was also surrounded by people who were equally struggling like me. So it didn't even matter. I was enjoying my life and that's all that I wanted. 

But today, all those who struggled with me are doing well in life. All my friends are well settled, earning in millions, if not billions... And here I am, still that struggler. When they talk about their achievements - both materialistic and otherwise, I feel left out. Like the odd, rotten apple. I feel terrible. I question my decisions and choices in the past. I have started becoming conscious of things, and feel like a failure. 

I admit, I am sometime jealous of people, and feel inferior, which might have contributed to me choosing to be a full-blown homebody. But I am not necessarily bitter. I am only bitter towards people I don't like :D

Anyway, I spoke to my mom about how I feel like a failure. And she gave me all the validation I wasn't even looking for. She mentioned that I was financially independent, ignoring the obvious privileges. But, I can't tell you how relieved I am. I think that's all I wanted, even though unexpected - the validation, that I am not a failure, afterall. 

So, I guess, it's time to change the narrative. And look at myself differently. The truth is, despite these thoughts, I am, in general, extremely happy and peaceful in life. So, may be, I should focus on just that - the good things, the achievements, the positives. 

So yeah. That's that. 

Why I Am A Feminist

Growing up, I was this typical tom-boy, not by physical appearance, but traits. Again, not exactly at school, but most certainly in college. I was closer to boys and lurked around the all-boys department - mechanical engineering. I'd tease girls with boys and had also participated in mild, harmless ragging with them. I felt it was quite cool to be that guys' girl. 

I found women 'dramatic', unreliable and quite sensitive without really understanding I was all that too. I tried to suppress my feelings because you know, I don't want to be a mood killer. I wasn't really a pick-me girl, not a people-pleaser, but I found dissing women, and talking and behaving like boys quite cool. Any girl who spoke about feminism was 'overreacting' 'pseudo-feminists'.

I don't know when all that changed for me. I don't really have had a life altering experience from men to change my perspective to be honest, but I think internet and reading helped. Eventhough not voluntarily, I started reading stories of women, the unfair treatment in the society and the sufferings - not really books, but mostly anecdotes on social media platforms. Befriending a few strong, no-nonsense women also helped in understanding the other side of female friendships. 

Eventually, things changed. The male-female ratio of friends in my life altered without me knowing. I found it more peaceful to confide in women - they won't put you down or pass a sarcastic comment while you share your trauma, for instance. I started understanding the power of sisterhood and what it can do to you and the society in general. My perspectives totally changed. It pricked and pained when I read a #MeToo story each time they appeared on my screen. Some were devastating. 

I started relating myself to women more. Once, I was a staunch supporter of Deepika Bharadwaj. Today, I find her the most vile woman - someone who is trying to shame entire womanhood by placing stories of certain men. Ofcourse, their problems also matter, and feminism ideally is about equality afterall, but if you look at the ratio of sufferings of women since time immemorial - well, that's a discussion for another day. 

Anyway, now I can also relate to all those "pseudo feminists" I hated once. When a woman and a man tells me the same story, I tend to believe the woman first. I have also started appearing to be 'irrational' to certain people. That's when I realised, I have totally become a feminist!

Today, I know the real meaning of feminism, the cause and everything related to it. I proudly call myself a feminist and can only be friends with people who atleast try to understand what it is. 

I am a proud feminist, and I will always be. 

Kochu Kochu Santhoshangal!

So, in the previous blog, I had mentioned that my father is a patriarch. Well, I won't blame him entirely for that. I mean, I don't think it is fair to judge a 70+ year old man holding on to certain ideologies in a society where it is the norm. In his book, man is the provider, woman, homemaker. However, even being a strong patriarch back in the day, he didn't consider us (my sister and I) as burdens, gave us the best of education and everything that was possible. He also taught us to value money and stay grounded, and even when we get married, he assured us that, if things go wrong, he was there for us. Ofcourse, his ideologies and mine didn't match in various matters - one of the main reasons why we would end up arguing.

He was also a very short tempered man, I used to dread going near him as a child, because I didn't want to get beaten up for trivial things.

But over the years, I have noticed that he stays calm when he isn't occupied. A

So, basically, his job was keeping him stressed, and he would throw tantrums at everyone around him. That gave me the idea on how to deal with him. 

Also, I learnt to accept my parents the way they are. Only trying to change them by imparting knowledge calmly, without arguments. This trick worked! By then I started working on myself too, with mindfulness and therapy, so that I could control my emotions as well. That also worked in our favour! 

And one last thing, that kid in the neighbourhood, also brought the grandfatherly affection in my father, making him less angry, more cheerful. 

Today, I can make jokes on my father, call him "kelava" as and when I like, and talk to him peacefully. We share a beautiful bond now and things are so much better. Our relationship is getting better each day and I am so grateful to the universe. 

And I wish and hope this stays, forever. Touchwood. ♾️

Be A Rebel!

I just saw a tweet on Twitter aka X, by a 20 year old girl, where she says, she still has to take permission before stepping out of her house, even after considering herself and independent woman. Another 30 yo seconded this! This made me ponder... What about me?

Honestly, my parents never agree to any of my plans. Even today! When I am 37! But, the only difference is, their 'permission' does not matter to me, they know it too, and I achieved this position only because I stayed a rebel all through my younger days. 

I come from a typical South Indian middle class famil, where women are considered inferior to men. My father is a patriarch, and is respected by everyone we know. And as a child, I used to dread him, for his short temper. However, I had also maintained that little brat image, which continued even during adolescence. 

Once I got puberty, my father because even stricter, restricting me for various things. I have never had a sleep over at a friend's or a movie night with family. Everything needed permission and he would always say no. And to be honest, I wasn't even accustomed to that kind of a culture, so I obliged. On top of that, I was obviously financially dependent on my parents. 

But, during college days, I started thinking differently. I befriended boys, I started hanging out with them, so on and so forth. My rebellious nature grew multifold and my temper hit the roof. Because, for me, all of that was quite normal! So, eventually, I stopped asking permission. I chose informing my parents that I'd be stepping out, and even when they said no, I'd just take the scooty and leave. 

This led to many fights and arguments and home was never a happy place. I just wanted to escape this mess, and I did, after college. But, whenever I am home, I continued being the person I always used to be. 

Cut to 2024. My parents have eventually changed. Thanks to them understanding that women aren't inferior afterall, and I want to take credit for getting that idea into their heads. They still say no to some of my plans, which is mostly solo trips, everything else is sorted now. 😅 I just make plans and tell them before leaving, and also give them a heads up about when I'd be home. Late nights are still a no-no, but I think I can live without it. 

So yeah, took me more than a decade to reach here, but ultimately, all of us are at peace now. We get what we want. And everyone is happy. The end. Hahaha