PMS and Existential Crisis

Every time I go through an existential crisis, I assume it's PMS playing dirty games on me 😔

My PMS is quite eventful, with unbearable low phases, where I end up questioning the purpose of my life altogether. 

No successful career, no ambitions, no bank balance, no partner, just a lot of mental health and physical issues. It hurts sometimes, retrospecting life's trajectory. Definitely not what I thought I'd become. And now that content writing is almost on the verge of getting fucked up by AI, I am uncertain of my future either. If this is not existential crisis, I wonder what else is! 

And the worst, these thoughts keep occuring only a week before the bleeding starts. To be honest, cramps are better than these thoughts. Atleast I know cramps aren't permanent but this? These thoughts? These thoughts about life? They are definitely permanent. 

I know, I know. No one in this world would be completely happy, everyone goes through existential crisis yada yada, but I have only me to worry about my present and future and sometimes past also, and I might as well do it?

Blabbering, on yet another existential crisis event. Where I wish and hope this is nothing but a pre-menstrual syndrome. 

Of Peer Pressure and More...

Quite certain, it's my privilege, but for the best part of my life, I have been carefree. There was no mental pressure to excel in life and to date, I am the last person you'd meet who's ambitious. For me, it was always 'doing what you like/love' over making money. I never craved for fancy outings or getaways, nor did I dream of collecting luxury brands. For me, all that mattered was good experiences and utility. In short, I was never made to 'impress' people. 

I think I acquired this from my parents. The only time I have seen my father splurge (since he was the only earning member of the family) was on food. Even then, there was no memories of going to fancy restaurants or trying expensive cuisines. The luxury I got to experience was a monthly biriyani. Even my mother never was into showing off (my father sometimes did) they both were content and grateful for the things they had and passed that on to me and my sibling. This is, despite being able to afford things - they chose not to, cuz only utility matters. 

But now, when I am 35+, it has slowly started hitting me. That I am an underachiever, if not a failure. All thanks to social media 🫠 On LinkedIn, everyone's an entrepreneur, on Instagram they are 'wanderlust', on Facebook, they are buying houses and cars and what not. And here I am, begging my clients to pay me for the work I have done. 😑

To be honest and fair, I don't regret any of my past experiences, but I do wish I did things differently. Instead of jumping from one job to another, doing odd random things with no focus on what they can do to me career in the future, I wish I had a career goal. I wish I knew life better. I wish I had friends who helped me focus and grow. But at the same time, I also know that everyone has their own pace. 

I still am not very ambitious, but I am learning to spend wisely, and understand the basics of investments. Which I should have explored a decade ago 🫢

Anyway, I am still in a happy place eventhough life has changed. But I am content, wherever I am. The only thing I want to tell strugglers is just one thing - have focus. Everything else will fall in place. 

Setting Boundaries

Growing up, among many other things, I have always fumbled in identifying and setting boundaries. I wouldn't accept a NO, even for trivial things, instead I'd go all defensive and 'rebellious'. These aren't about things that require consent, but things like parents saying no to watching TV or some snack. 

These constant NOs eventually made me feel that nobody understands me or is really there for me, so I chose to be the all-giving, always available person for others. You know, the "be the love you never received" in the wrong context. I'd go out of my way for people I love and care, or those whose attention I craved for. I thought being that "giver" would make me "wanted". It took me 35 years to understand that this is actually toxic and I am not helping myself in anyway, and only doing much harm to my holistic growth.  

So now, even without much effort, I have set boundaries. Interestingly, this has happened after realising that I have nobody to rely on but myself, thanks to some disheartening incidents. Today, I am my priority, eventhough I sometimes feel I am overdoing it. Earlier, I would actually sit and spend time on who to follow up 😅 but now, it skips my mind eventhough someone needs attention. Because, my entire focus is on my routine, and setting my life right. 

But, that doesn't mean I am unavailable for people. I am, but I am not constantly following up, but show up when required. I am slowly realising that this is also not exactly the way to go about, but I am hoping, eventually I will find a balance in maintaining my life along with being available for people that value me. 

Well, yes, only for people who value me. Noone else.