The Musings of a Silent Lover

He mused,

"This day is crucial for me. Coz today, as we finally meet after one long year, I am going to tell you everything I always wanted to say and you wished to hear, without the influence of alcohol.

I wasn't sure what you were to me, or whether I wanted to see us together till the end until we parted ways. When I said goodbye to you for the most ridiculous reason one can ever give, and you kept 'pestering' me to get back as 'friends' I didn't know that I would find the answer for all that I was looking for.

I started missing you, not visibly though. Externally I was more than happy with the life I had, but deep inside, there was an emptiness I could never explain. A void no one could really fill in. I wasn't really missing you, but something precious; a part of me, like I suddenly became handicapped and could never be the same.

Today, as you enter my place again, I might just come running to you, embracing you like never before. And look into your eyes holding your face, and gently kissing your forehead. And then your lips without asking you whether you find it OK. And take you to my room, caress your bosoms and feel the warmth of it by pressing my face on them. And make love to you, and let you know how difficult a life it was, without you. I might tell you, you're not perfect, nor pretty but I just want to surrender and give myself to you, and make you mine, forever. And you might cry, out of joy and we might make love again, all through the night. And let our love grow, beyond the walls.

Or I might not! I might just greet shaking hands with you and offer you a seat in the living room. And have a drink or two, discussing about everything that doesn't matter at all, except the love we share. And make you feel miserable all over again, with no love expressed. And have dinner together and finally drop you back home, parting with a friendly hug. Like it never mattered to me, and never meet again.

This day is crucial. As my inner self will decide the winner of the love - ego battle. May the unregretful win."

Trust, Friendship and Risks

Today, for no reason, I got reminded of a funny, sweet incident that happened couple of years ago. I had moved to a new city (read Cochin) and befriended a couple of people who were introduced to me by a common friend. There were meet ups, chit chats, dinner plans at random restaurants and bike rides which had become a daily routine. And this guy I used to spend majority of my time with had become quite close, though I didn't know of his past, present or future much. (Well, I generally don't ask people personal questions; if something had to be known, it will happen eventually, provided that relation is destined to go further - thats what I believe in and I 'judge' people by how they are to me, not how they used to be or behave with other people)

So, just like any other day, he dropped me back home after dinner and while I was busy freshening up and preparing for the next hectic day at office by around 12 midnight, I received his call. It was to inform me that another female friend of ours was in some trouble, and he wanted to go, be with her, but as she was alone at her apartment that night and his visit at the middle of the night alone may not be appropriate and other female friends aren't available, he asked me whether I could accompany him. I said yes. But something was bothering me from the inside.  I even received a call from another female friend regarding the same, which was kind of convincing, but I somehow wasn't sure. What if he was trying to trap me? What if those were all preplanned? What if these females are also a part of the plan? I just couldn't stop thinking. But still, something else made me go ahead and accompany him to her apartment. Though I was totally scared, got convinced after I reached the apartment and saw her in a very disturbed situation. We spent that night in her apartment, taking care of her.

Couple of weeks later, while having dinner at our favorite chinese restaurant he asked me something unexpected, "I always wanted to ask you this, why did you come out with me that night without even thinking twice? That could have been a trap!" I replied, "hmmm.. Well. To be very honest, I was actually very scared and all sort of negative thoughts did cross my mind. But, somewhere inside I knew that this guy is not wrong and can be trusted".

That guy is now one of the closest friends I have and I am sure I fall into the same category in his list as well. He also by the way made sure that I never took such a step with someone else. :P

I could have given him an excuse and denied not to go with him. But that would have made me lose a chance of knowing gem of a peron. People are different and what we see, believe and expect may not be what we always get. I've had my fair share of good and bad experiences, but I always consider the risk part a good thing. I have shockingly known the evil side of people I always considered as angels and the good side of 'should I count up on this guy' - thanks to my willingness to take 'risk'. (The term risk here is relative) I have known that strangers can be more helpful and sometimes very good listeners than a close friend. I have also realized that people are not always what we think they are. And most importantly, it's not about who you have known the longest; its about who came, made a difference (in a good way) and denied to leave.

I am absolutely lucky to have a few gems as friends who had been tolerating me for ages, supporting through thick and thin, enjoying my company, worthy enough to share my deep dark secrets and passwords, and preferring to be around as friends even after numerous changes they had faced in their lives. That is what I respect the most and that's what I am trying to give them back. It after all takes a few seconds to lose someone and a lifetime to maintain a bond! 

Thank you for the memories, Dear Brother!

Let's not review how you got into the pool, how a possibly good swimmer, tall enough for a swimming pool drowned or how you left us, forever. Let's retrospect the good times instead.

You were just a week elder to me and living in the neighborhood was the best thing happened to us. Even being someone with the sharpest memory, I don't remember having another friend than you at 5 or 6. And your company had made me one of the mischievous guys than a soft spoken girl.

But, did we have anything in common? Not at all. When your head chooses the south pole, I would rather travel to the north. When you loved nonspicy food, my choice always was the spiciest. When you wanted to play hide and seek, I preferred watching television. When you wanted to sing, I wanted to sleep.

And then we grew up, in different locations, went to different schools and colleges. While i remained as one of those guys, you became the 'angry young man' and our choices clashed every single time. But weren't we still connected?

We became adults, making you choose one of the toughest decisions of leaving the country. And that was it, I saw you changing, I saw the soft side of you as a friend, brother and son. Never did I know till then that you loved all of us so much and didn't we get closer again? The bike rides, heart to heart conversations, chocolates, gifts, your humor, that 'Maggi, you pay the bill' in a restaurant, foodie me non- foodie you- we had different choices there as well, your stupid smile and my impatience to know your secrets - it was all surprising for me when you came down to visit us the previous time and you don't even know how happy I was to see that compassionate side of yours.

You were simple and never felt ashamed to admit that you are not a Burger-Hotdog-Pizza loving guy. Recently, when you criticized one of my write ups, i was happy to know that you read through and wanted me to improve.

But never did I know that it would be the last and those memories will make me cry instead.

And you came again, a short surprise visit, like you were in a hurry... To meet all of us, and do a lot of things. As if you were running short of time. And you were surprisingly glowing and looked your best, and we couldn't stop explaining how handsome you looked. Did you really know that you may not come back again, ALIVE?

You were to receive my guy on my wedding day, and I was supposed to help you tie that 'thaali' on yours. And that has now faded away, along with you.

Now, when I turn on WhatsApp, I expect to see a message from you asking me 'Makale, entundu' (what's up my girl), see my messages getting delivered and the last seen change to online. Though I know that will never happen, but may be, I wish for a miracle.

You are lying there in a coffin, so far from us - torn, frozen... And everyone is waiting for you, to see you for one last time. But not me. I don't want to see you now. A dead body as they call you now, is not what I wanted to see. I would rather wish to have those sweet memories of that guy who grew up with me than replacing them with a cold body.

You were the best brother I could ever ask for, but took me a while to realize, and before it could sink in, you left forever.

Can't believe you are gone, and its been too painful when i had to type you 'were' instead of 'are', meaning you were something from the past. Can't imagine thr struggle you might have gone through when you fell into the pool, or could ever remember that phone call we received in the middle of the night to inform that you left us. But, when I slowly get in terms with the loss, I realize another thing that I loved you so much. And you don't worry, though no one can replace you, you parents and brother will always have me.

NB : My brother, cousin brother Anoop Chand was found dead in his apartment's swimming pool on 12.8.2014. He was 27 when he was passed away and was working  as an Engineer with a reputed company in Dubai. He was a great artist and had won many awards including 'Balashree 2001',

Happily ever after

“Happily ever after” was the strangest, spookiest and the most perplexing phrase she would have ever come across. Arranged marriages were her society’s norm, but she questioned the credibility of two random strangers being together for a lifetime. Love at first sight, another norm, for her was a NO-NO! It always amazed her how two people choose to live the rest of their lives together, under one roof, sharing their space, time and stuff with each other and live ‘happily’ forever. She could never imagine herself doing all that until she met him.

Like every Indian parent, her parents also wanted her to ‘settle’ down as early as possible, and they were too concerned as she had almost crossed the ‘marriageable’ age. They were bombarded with umpteen questions from kith and kin and were literally fed up answering them. They decided to discard her uh-uh to marriages, and arranged a meeting meet him. She couldn’t say a ‘No’ to that as she didn’t want their emotional drama occurring again. There is nothing to lose anyway, except for her valuable time, which she anyhow decided to sacrifice.

‘May be 10 minutes’, she thought and went to the restaurant for a blind-lunch-date her parents set for her. What an irony!

A guy who looked similar to the one she saw in the picture her parents showed had occupied one of the tables. He spotted her and waved at her. Never did she know that the guy who just waved at her would turn her life upside down.

(To be continued)

Funny Break-Up Reasons

Two different states, two different cultures - it took them a year or more to convince their parents how much they loved each other. A week before their wedding, on a romantic date, she challenged him to sing one of her favorite regional songs without referring the lyrics. He somehow managed and sang 'Appangalembadum'. It was her turn next. 'Pendu jatt, Punjab da puttar. Yo yo Honey Singh - my favorite' he said with pride. 'I've better taste in music' was her sudden reply. Thus began the argument, winding up the four-year-old relationship forever.

(To be continued)

Because life is worth that pain.

Once in a while, switch off the AC and leave your windows open. And when it.rains, turn the fan off. Once in a while, leave your vehicle at home and ride a bicycle; another day, get walking to your destination. Once in a while, cook on your own with a lil fresh vegetables that haven't tasted refrigerator's cold bitterness. Once in a  while forget the nutrition and eat whatever you want, as much as you want; another day take a dip in the rain. Once in a while, leave your shoes at home, and wear chappals; walk bare foot in the garden and feel earthly. Once in a while, go to the roof terrace and sleep under the stars. Once in a while, leave the couch, sit on the floor and have your dinner. Once in a while, turn off your computer, television and radio throughout the day and read a book; keep your phone away for a day and meet a friend in real. Once in a while, take a day off work and go for a picnic. Once in a while, where hand woven clothes; plant a sapling in your backyard.Once in a while leave your wallet at home, pack your lunch to workplace. Once in a while, leave your ego behind and smile at a stranger. Once in a while, take your parents to their favorite place. Once in a while, celebrate your birthday at an orphanage. Once in a while, sweat, get tanned, feel raw and be human. Just once in a while, or even in a blue moon,enjoy the smallest but heavenly happiness life can offer. Because life is worth that pain. :)

That Undefinable Pain...

Have you ever felt that pain, something very intense? So intense that you fail to find a solution to tackle it. That pain which  occurs not necessarily due to extreme loneliness, or losing someone... But when you see a loved one in pain.... when you are constantly in touch with a soul that has everything but is in the most bizarre form of existence. When you end up counting days, live perplexed and remain skeptical about what would occur next. When nothing but negative energy surpasses your ability to cop with a given situation. When you know you can't do anything about it, but may be, just may be, pray... which you have always felt lame - to rely on an entity which never existed to you. When you drop that plan and repeatedly ask yourself, what can change the scenario to a certain level which would help everything associated to the pain.

When you literally think, discuss, eat and sleep on that thought of getting over this pain, from dawn to dusk. Sometimes unemotional, sometimes numb, sometimes extremely vulnerable. When all that you had considered 'pain' all through your life becomes nothing but just a notion of livelihood. When you live in a constant fear of getting shattered to an extent that would never bring you back to your normal self. When you become suspicious about even a minute positive thing that you think would be the sole reason behind changing your life forever.

As if you are standing at the other end of the tunnel, waiting for a stream of light that can illuminate your senses, and help you fix things ultimately, but as it approaches, the light is from a train that is going to eat your life and you'll be left just as a corpse with all your body parts smashed and destroyed to an unidentifiable peace of flesh....

That pain, undefinable yet intense and deep; that can't be shared nor have a solution for. That tears you apart, but still, somewhere deep inside you know, a phoenix is getting ready to arise from the ashes... 

Liberation of the Soul.

There  will be times when you enjoy everything around you - the sun, the stars, the waters, the skies,  the sands, the clouds, the plants, the colors, the paints, the nature, the times, the days, the years, and the people. You get everything you ask for, and there is only laughter and happiness around you. You love people, and everyone you meet. And then? And then you grow up. To one of those idiots who get lost in the chaos of the world’s unfair deals; who realize, everything you loved all those years was just a lie, specifically the people. You were so wrong dealing with them; you were deceived by the colors of the nature, you have never expected that it has a dark side too - a deep dark mouth which eats up the sane and happy side of you and leaves you traumatic.

You might have seen it all - love, rejection, separation, illness, disease, death, agony, heartbreak and a lot more. Some from others, and some from own experience. Now, you turn to find freedom from all the deceptions you have lived with, all through your life. You dream, of a better world, of better people and a better life. And in the long run, without even giving yourself a clue, you would have lost the ‘you’ which was another lie. 

You no longer find yourself surrounded by a lot of people. You have become less of a chatterbox than what you generally were; you talk only to a few people and slowly, you would learn you haven’t been talking at all, and even if you do, you find yourself having conversations only with people who tolerate rawness. In fact, you’ve found solace in being alone. You enjoy the little things in life; money no longer is the most important part of life. You start loving letters, words, phrases and sentences… paintings and sketches that never made sense to you… the kind of music which makes you smile all through the day and night… You think, re-think and over think… only about the smallest, craziest things in life that never thrilled you earlier and all the mental chaos have faded away. 

You start liking the raw side of people. The plain, raw side, where they no longer wear the mask of deception or run away from reality. Where they don’t just live to impress people, but show their true self. Where they lean towards someone else for a shoulder to cry when they actually want to cry, than to pretend that they are happy. Where they shout, scream, hit back and declare that they have been ridiculed. Where they call themselves worthless rather than portraying to be extraordinary. Where they live to live and not to exist. You like all of that anyway, because that’s exactly like what you now are - plain, raw flesh with a genuine soul that you consider human.

This phase might be the best phase of your life, as it offers you a lot more to explore - the naked side of life. This is the phase where you unknowingly seek liberation from all the things that had been troubling you all through your life. You are free now, to let go off all your fears, thoughts and insecurities. You’ve learnt to live, the way you exactly want, and nothing else matters to you anymore.

Emotional outbreaks no longer happen; people might say you’ve changed, they might call you cold, but you wouldn’t waste time listening to them or thinking about what they just said. You’re happy the way you are. And this phase is called, ‘Liberation of the Soul’. 

Birthdays... and all that..

What do birthdays remind you of?Gifts, phone calls, surprise parties,cake, boozing, dancing, celebrations. My definition was quite a bit that, until last year. But now, things have changed, apparently, to my surprise! That girl who used to crave for someone to make her feel special on this day, have stopped even thinking about all that! May be, that's what you call  a transformation - girl to woman. May be, some sort of realization that is... that you are not too special to be remembered on a certain special day. May be, the transformation from an emotional human  being to someone who is quite cold.  Yet to figure out, but not going to, as that's so much wastage of time.

Another year old, and a  lot of things have changed, most importantly the perception. It chills me to understand that I've not yet realized the purpose of my life as such. All i know is, I need to seek happiness, and pass it on. How to, is yet to be figured out.

And... wanderlust... the craving to travel and to explore... and to meet a lot of new people, learn more,  travel more, liberate....

Liberate.... liberate... that's exactly what I'm looking at.... to liberate...

At the age of 27, is it too late to seek liberation? Not possible? possibly not...coz nothing's impossible. Nothing is... and what does it take to liberate? Another episode to unveil...

PS: I'm literally not high.

The Wedding Toast

Everything is set. Dressing up's, make-up's, decorating the car – While a few are busy setting up the arrangements, the rest are in a hurry to reach the church. The ceremony begins in some time, and within a couple of hours, she will be the wife of the most eligible bachelor in town!

Butterflies in the stomach!

She turned to the mirror and looked at herself. There she saw someone extremely beautiful smiling at her.  Never ever did she really bother about how she looked all these days, but today is special. It’s her wedding day!

The pristine white gown and the tiara added to her beauty and she wondered whether she ever looked or would look as pretty as she did today.

The photographers and the bride’s maids surrounded her and there were flashes everywhere. Someone called out as they were getting late. She got into the car with that everlasting wide smile on her face.

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He in his sleek black suit looked fantabulous. He could easily give all those hunks in the B-town a run for their money any day with his charm and good looks. And today, all eyes are definitely going to be on him. All the pretty young women out there would suspire for not having him all for themselves.

On his way to the church, his thoughts slowly wound back to the day he first met her and henceforth.

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First day of college. Like every fresher, he was also skeptical about the things he would have to face daily apart from the lectures and assignments. Ragging topped them all. As he walked through the department, he could see many gangs who obviously looked like seniors here and there indulged in their set of ragging sessions. He knew his turn would come anytime from anywhere and he had already prepared himself for an attack.

The coffee addict in him forced him to go to the cafeteria and grab the cup of coffee for the hour. As he was waiting for his turn in the not-so-long queue, a group of guys surrounded him. It was his lot to get ragged. Though he was already ready for this, the things his seniors asked him to do did scare the hell out of him. Somewhere in between the whole ragging session, his eyes met another from a certain distance. That was her!

The fear on her face made it clear that she was a fresher too. He couldn’t take his eyes off her, and he could sense his fear fading in the air. He started doing everything his seniors asked him to do, though his eyes were stuck on her. He wished he could watch her like that all through his life.

After all the ragging, he got into his class, and to his surprise he found the same face somewhere in the crowd sitting next to his seat. He never believed in love at first sight, but this moment changed his idea of it. He was in love, with this woman, who he never knew would be standing next to him as the bride in the Altar this day.

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The car slowed down and he got off. The groom’s men accompanied him and all eyes were on this bunch of men who looked better than one another. But he was still the best among them all. Another car slowed past them and there comes the bride.

His heart skipped a beat. He could feel the same things he felt when he met her for the first time. The prettiest bride he has ever seen. She looked at him, passed a smile and that was it! He fell for her all over again!

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He doesn’t really remember how he managed to make her feel his love. It all began from passing notes and sharing pens. Like every other college-love-birds, from two total strangers to friends, to best of friends and then to the most celebrated couple in college- they went through it all. He could still remember the day he confessed his love to her. Second year exams and the fifth day of their combine studies, somewhere in the algorithms, he threw it on her. She looked stunned for a moment, looked into his eyes next and gave that smile he always went gaga over, as though she was waiting for this day. And the rest was history.

They loved, fought, loved again...  Together forever – that was sort of an oath they both took and they did live up to it. Their love was something everyone looked up to. Many were jealous too. How can two people love each other like that? – They wondered.

6 years never seemed long to them. After college she joined one of those MNCs and he decided to take up his father’s business. Both were busy but that never shook their relationship. The perfect relation anyone would want to have. The families were pretty convinced too and that is how they decided to get their children married to each other.

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The Altar was decorated for the wedding. The groom’s men accompanied the groom and the Priest. Down the center aisle, entered the bride’s maid, followed by the Matron of honor, the Best Man, and the ring bearer. Finally, the bride and her father entered and cheers spread everywhere. The guests stood and the Call to Worship began. After the Opening prayer, everyone took their seats. The two of them were stealing glances every now and then without giving a hint to anyone.

It took more than an hour for the ceremony to complete and finally it was time for the wedding vows. The bride and groom faced each other with smiles on their faces. Rings were exchanged and they were pronounced as husband and wife.

‘You may now kiss the bride’.

The bride blushed and the groom slowly gave her a peck. The Priest then presented the couple to the crowd and they rejoiced.

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Their first kiss was something that was imprinted in him. It was just another day and they were indulged in their regular conversation that included books, studies, family, friends, the movie they recently watched, the gift her father gave her, the restaurant they had lunch at the other day and many more. She loves to talk, and he was a great listener. She was busy blabbering about something that excited her and the excitement on her face made him go crazy. He could not stop himself but kiss her gently. It was unexpected to them both. They looked at each other for a moment, stunned and then kissed again. Their first kiss; the best one.

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The bride and groom slowly left the platform. She is married now and looked more than happy. He could not stop looking at her when she walked past him. He couldn’t move from where he stood until someone called him out to follow the couple. He was the Best man after all!

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That was probably the first time she walked out with tears. Their parents wanted them to get married at the earliest, but he was not ready for it yet. He did love her and wanted her to be his partner, but wasn’t really ready to take up the responsibilities at that point. It was an ultimate challenge for him to get married to her to prove his love for her. Of course, she was the best thing that had happened to him but, at the same time, he couldn’t imagine himself as a married man, looking after a family. He was too young to be that.  He panicked and that made the families argue. She wasn’t convinced with his reasons. He couldn’t win her over either. She walked out of his life. Her parents found a groom for her who was none other than his best friend. She thought his love wasn't as deep as she thought it was. She was hurt, but decided to move on.

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A year passed by. And it was too late for him to do something about it; he was clueless either. Now, she is married, to his best friend and he is their best man! The 6 long years they spent together now remain as memories inside him. The magical love is over. The couple everyone admired has parted their ways.

No one could ever understand him, not even himself. If at all he wasn’t afraid of the responsibilities, the groom and the best man would have switched their roles now. This day would have been the best day of his life. She would have become his woman, officially. He lost the chance forever. Now all that left with him was the moments he spent with her. That would keep him alive.

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A tear drop rolled down his eyes. He wiped it off immediately before anyone could notice. No one really did, except her. There will be no other man who would love her as much as he did and it was a reciprocated feeling. He would remain the best thing happened to her as well and they both knew it.

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Time for the wedding toast! He knew what he had to say, but no one else had a clue. Everyone was curious to hear him speak.

“When this man asked me to be his best man, I asked him Dude, why me?........” Thus he began.