Imposter Syndrome

 I don't think even my close friends know this, but I fight imposter syndrome every other day. 

When someone tells me I write well, I can't take it as a compliment, all I'd think is that their standards are low. 

When I client says they have certain expectation from my work, my first instinct is to withdraw, because "I don't think I can match up to it."

When someone says they like my work and look forward to more, I feel an intense pressure that I can't explain. 

When a reputed brand approaches, I expect rejection. 

All of these to an extent that I have returned the advance amount to a client when they said they expect a beautiful content from me - I mean, I was certain I'd get rejected. 

To an extent that once I applied for a diploma course in Creative Writing , cleared all the papers with good score, and got my Project synopsis approved yet didn't finish it because they put a remark that "this looks interesting, looking forward.". Oh, I just can't do it.

I think all of these started with that one bad comment under one of my blog posts, which probably is still there, in this very blog, where the person said I should quit writing. I figured out who it was, and confronted years later and got a half-baked apology for pulling that prank, it stays with me to this day. 

My self-esteem has always been zilch, and this comment only made it worst. And I am fighting this imposter syndrome, even today, almost close to 2 decades later. It still haunts me:

"I am not good enough... I should quit writing".

And the irony is, it's my bread and butter and the demon is too big to even face. 

Sigh.