How Looks Moulded Me

 Ever since I could remember, people were critical of my looks. Since my sister was on the darker and fatter side, she bore wrath more. But I was the one who was "adopted", one who resembled a monkey, especially with those fringes which was called "monkey crop" and slightly protruded gums. This constant pointing fingers at my looks also made me very critical about looks - mine and others. In my head, one had to have zero flaws to be considered beautiful. And to this day, I have come across only a few people who fit into that category. 

And then I grew up, putting on weight and picking on attitude. I pretended I didn't care what others thought, because I was ugly in my head too, so when someone made fun of me I'd laugh along. Because that's what I am - an object to laugh at. 

I have barely received compliments for my looks and every time I did, especially from the opposite sex, I'd just end up thinking this person has bad intention. They just want to get me laid. 

The male attention some of my female friends got had made me feel terrible about myself more than once. I have felt they are the star in the story and I am just an extra in this friggin' world. Just barely existing. For nothing.  

A certain bestfriend who would always remind me of how bad I looked. Despite being that himself, the judgements were over the roof. But ofcourse, I was convinced - he was right, I am ugly. 

And then came this boyfriend who while breaking up used my insecurities against me and told me that he was doing me a favor and no one else would want to be with me. Concreting the notion that I am ugly. 

Today, I get called beautiful, ironically for not the way I look now, but how I looked in pictures a decade ago. And boy, that hurts. Beyond measure. Because, a decade ago, I was still getting tips to transform myself to look beautiful 🥲

Today, I was reading this book "I Want to Die But I Want to Eat Tteokpokki", basically a prose by Baek Se Hee on her conversations with her psychiatrist and it felt so relatable. There is this part where the psychiatrist says her to stop looking life and everything in general in extremes - good and bad, black and white, beautiful and ugly and that hit me hard. Because that's exactly what I have been doing all my life - thinking in extremes. Why can't I just find a middle ground? Even when it comes to looks - mine and others'? Strangely, when I love someone or I meet a beautiful soul, no matter how they look, I find them beautiful. Why am I not being able to do that to myself? Why can't I accept that I am neither a bad person nor ugly as I think? Why do I expect validation from others? Why do I expect people to say I am beautiful back at me when I call them beautiful? Why can't I just accept myself for who I am? Why am I under constant critical radar? Why aren't I just breathing peacefully?

This. This indeed is what I am going to focus on this year amongst many other things to work on this year. I am glad I got this perspective to work on and hopefully, I'd feel better soon.