Unreciprocated Friendships

 For the longest time, I thought I was the queen of unrequited love. I mean, more than once have I fallen head over heels in love with people who had no feelings for me, and I kept at it for years. 

But recently, I had a realisation that I have been, unknowingly nurturing unreciprocated Friendships too. 

One thing about me is, when I love, I love with all my heart and it doesn't necessarily need years of knowing you. One act of kindness is enough. And maybe that's why for years, I have had umpteen "friends" -  People who were valuable to me; people I thought considered me valuable. But guess what! Your girl was wrong all the time. 

I learnt that people can be nice and kind to you, can even lend you an ear or shoulder or check on you when you are low, but that doesn't essentially mean you mean something to them. They are nice, that's all to it. But, just because they are nice doesn't mean you are their "friend". No matter howmuchever you love them, that's not enough for them, because you are not  their friend. You are an acquaintance who they like. One among umpteen others in their life. That's it. 

And that's why you need to draw that line and respect it forever. You don't have to give them more than what they give you. Or what they can hold. They can very well survive with or without you. In the sense, your absence may not matter to them, neither does your presence. So you give them that same energy - just be nice to them. Don't call them your friend. It's simple. 

This realisation has changed my life. I mean, today I have a handful of friends and lots of acquaintances. I make sure I can them that instead of calling them my friends. It has made me life easier too - I know where to pour all my love and where not. 

Life's so beautiful right now. 🧿

Imposter Syndrome

 I don't think even my close friends know this, but I fight imposter syndrome every other day. 

When someone tells me I write well, I can't take it as a compliment, all I'd think is that their standards are low. 

When I client says they have certain expectation from my work, my first instinct is to withdraw, because "I don't think I can match up to it."

When someone says they like my work and look forward to more, I feel an intense pressure that I can't explain. 

When a reputed brand approaches, I expect rejection. 

All of these to an extent that I have returned the advance amount to a client when they said they expect a beautiful content from me - I mean, I was certain I'd get rejected. 

To an extent that once I applied for a diploma course in Creative Writing , cleared all the papers with good score, and got my Project synopsis approved yet didn't finish it because they put a remark that "this looks interesting, looking forward.". Oh, I just can't do it.

I think all of these started with that one bad comment under one of my blog posts, which probably is still there, in this very blog, where the person said I should quit writing. I figured out who it was, and confronted years later and got a half-baked apology for pulling that prank, it stays with me to this day. 

My self-esteem has always been zilch, and this comment only made it worst. And I am fighting this imposter syndrome, even today, almost close to 2 decades later. It still haunts me:

"I am not good enough... I should quit writing".

And the irony is, it's my bread and butter and the demon is too big to even face. 

Sigh. 

How Looks Moulded Me

 Ever since I could remember, people were critical of my looks. Since my sister was on the darker and fatter side, she bore wrath more. But I was the one who was "adopted", one who resembled a monkey, especially with those fringes which was called "monkey crop" and slightly protruded gums. This constant pointing fingers at my looks also made me very critical about looks - mine and others. In my head, one had to have zero flaws to be considered beautiful. And to this day, I have come across only a few people who fit into that category. 

And then I grew up, putting on weight and picking on attitude. I pretended I didn't care what others thought, because I was ugly in my head too, so when someone made fun of me I'd laugh along. Because that's what I am - an object to laugh at. 

I have barely received compliments for my looks and every time I did, especially from the opposite sex, I'd just end up thinking this person has bad intention. They just want to get me laid. 

The male attention some of my female friends got had made me feel terrible about myself more than once. I have felt they are the star in the story and I am just an extra in this friggin' world. Just barely existing. For nothing.  

A certain bestfriend who would always remind me of how bad I looked. Despite being that himself, the judgements were over the roof. But ofcourse, I was convinced - he was right, I am ugly. 

And then came this boyfriend who while breaking up used my insecurities against me and told me that he was doing me a favor and no one else would want to be with me. Concreting the notion that I am ugly. 

Today, I get called beautiful, ironically for not the way I look now, but how I looked in pictures a decade ago. And boy, that hurts. Beyond measure. Because, a decade ago, I was still getting tips to transform myself to look beautiful 🥲

Today, I was reading this book "I Want to Die But I Want to Eat Tteokpokki", basically a prose by Baek Se Hee on her conversations with her psychiatrist and it felt so relatable. There is this part where the psychiatrist says her to stop looking life and everything in general in extremes - good and bad, black and white, beautiful and ugly and that hit me hard. Because that's exactly what I have been doing all my life - thinking in extremes. Why can't I just find a middle ground? Even when it comes to looks - mine and others'? Strangely, when I love someone or I meet a beautiful soul, no matter how they look, I find them beautiful. Why am I not being able to do that to myself? Why can't I accept that I am neither a bad person nor ugly as I think? Why do I expect validation from others? Why do I expect people to say I am beautiful back at me when I call them beautiful? Why can't I just accept myself for who I am? Why am I under constant critical radar? Why aren't I just breathing peacefully?

This. This indeed is what I am going to focus on this year amongst many other things to work on this year. I am glad I got this perspective to work on and hopefully, I'd feel better soon.