The title might make you judge me a bit, well, if you have been reading my blogposts, you already would have made a judgemental picture about me and my constant love musings, but then, it is who I am, and I am a lover girl - I always need someone to love, even if it's not reciprocated, I am so obsessed with the idea of love and it getting reciprocated someday, and I have come in terms with it. As my reader, maybe you should too.
Anyway, I want to tell you about all my Past Lovers. Oh there had been umpteen short term crushes and "a lot like love" episodes, but these men, I am certain, still make me yearn, ok, not all of them, but sometimes, I wish things were different for all of us. And here, I am going to tell you about my loves.
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AKG
I was barely 19 when I met A. A wrong phone call. Which lasted throughout the night. We never really met-met, but we got to know each other through voice, mostly him telling me his lores and I, awestruck by a life that I have only seen in films. We became close friends over time and spoke hours and hours over phone every night.
It was around this time when this boy from college told me he likes me. I liked him too, as a friend, so I didn't know what to say. I went to A. He asked me to say yes. I did. It went horrible. I hate that man to this day. My first ever heartbreak. Even more reason to kill myself. I was in shambles. A was there throughout. Protecting me, supporting me. That was all I wanted in life, a protective, supportive, understanding and caring man. And that man was right in front of me, consoling me to move on. I fell in love. Head over heels. First love ever (after Hrithik Roshan) but this time, quite serious. I told him. He laughed. He said we are friends, we will remain friends. I couldn't accept. I through tantrums. He took it all. I behaved exactly like the most toxic girlfriend ever. He took that too. What a forgiving man. I fell harder. He didn't. He started giving it back. I couldn't take it. I broke down. More than once. Cried. Begged. Virtually fell on his feet. He had had enough. But he kept in touch anyway. Though his demeanor had changed. He was there, but wasn't there.
And then, one day, very casually, he told me. I always had this woman in life. We weren't sure where this was going, so we kept it as a secret. But now she is back in town, we are quite serious about each other, and are taking it forward. I know it hurts you, but it is what it is.
I couldn't believe it. I was always delusional. I thought it was his way of getting back at me. To make me jealous. I was indeed jealous. But I didn't give up. I moved to his town. Found his house. Would literally wait in front of it to get a glimpse of him once. He never came out. One day, he said he wanted to meet. I was thrilled. I went to this coffee shop. He came with this girl. Introduced her as his girlfriend. I was broken. I left the city, for good. I finally accepted that he wasn't bluffing. I tried to move on. I almost got married to this one guy who was a friend. But I still couldn't get over A completely. Until he got married. That was my closure. Or maybe half closure. The real closure came another decade later.
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JG
Incidentally, years later, I dated a JG, but this lover of mine JG came into my life in 2013, when A was trying his best to convince his now wife, then girlfriend's parents to marry her and I was genuinely moving on from a love that was never mine. However, we were friends, we still are.
JG was a client. I was freelancing at that point and JG was introduced by a friend as his business partner. We started collaborating frequently and it was completely professional, until I spoke to him once over the phone and fell for his voice. I know, quite silly.
I started initiating personal conversations, he obliged, and we started meeting too, whenever he was in my town.
On A's wedding, I had to travel to Cochin and had nowhere to stay (staying in hotels was an alien concept for me then) so I asked JG, who was living alone in a posh apartment whether I could crash at his place for a night. He said yes. And I went to his place. We spoke throughout the night and didn't even know when it became a day, and that was when I fell head over heels with him - a young man and a woman in a closed space, one with strong feelings, one confused, yet nothing physical. Bare minimum. But for a girl in her mind 20s, that was absolutely phenomenal. What a respectful man. I want him as my partner.
His inconsistent behavior, tantrums, temper and playboy nature. None of it mattered to me then. I wanted to love. I wanted his love. He insisted me to stay for another night and I did. Still, platonic. But the next day, I realised, he also had another woman. And I didn't want history to repeat.
But I was, by then, crazy for him. And this woman was someone I knew as well. Someone who he said he had feelings for but that was bygone. She was pretty too. I was insecure. I was confused.
Then came months of hurt. Me turning out to be a laughing stock in front of his friends. Because I loved him. But I just couldn't turn my head away from him. Until one day, he called me and asked me to move to his place, right after we met. For work, he said. I said I didn't want to. Which ended up in an argument and both of us deciding to cut ties, impulsively.
What followed was years of mental torture. Of letting him go, because of my impulsiveness. Of disappointing him. Of leaving his work, where he was dependent on me. Years later, the shameless, zero self respect person that I was, I went to him, asking for forgiveness. He did. We hung out. By then, he was dating the other chick, they were living together. His forgiveness was my closure. I was rejoiced. But I didn't want him to know that I still loved him.
But the true closure was, when I started collaborating professionally with him again and realised he wasn't whom I thought he was. Probably still a womanizer, zero work ethics, and most probably a fraud. I stopped contacting him, and I still find it ridiculous for falling for him without even knowing who he actually was.
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PG
PG and I met on a dating app. A petite guy on a bike. We matched and had a brief chat. He said he was into drives and weed. I said "me too", a blatant lie. He said he was going on a drive that night. I said pick me up. A man I have never met, I barely knew, and I wanted to go on a drive with him. Explains how silly, naive and impulsive I was.
Anyway, he came that night. His dating profile said he was in his 30s. I thought he was lying, because he barely looked 22. I got in to his car. He asked where do you wanna go. I said Munnar. Off we go. On the way, he asked me to light a joint. I, who didn't even know how to light a cigarette, clearly failed. He understood I was bluffing. He lit the joint and passed it on to me, one puff and I pass out. The drive was cancelled. He dropped me safely back home. What a gentleman. I fell in love.
But I knew I was never his type. So I asked, what do you want this relationship to be. I said, we could be good friends. I agreed.
He would visit often. Almost every night he would visit the apartment. He easily got along with my flatmates too.
Stoner. Philosopher. Risk taker. Inconsistent. Someone I'd ideally keep myself away from. But a good friend. His philosophies and perspectives eventually changed the way I look at things.
So this boy would come, either with a bunch of weed, which he would crush and roll and pass along. Or chocolate. Or some nice food that he would pick up on the way. He would lend me money, but wouldn't expect it back. When I return, he would buy food and stuff for all of us. He was ready to splurge as long as he had money and we stayed friends.
He was nice that way. But, a little grumpy too. He brushed off my niceness - no hugs, no "text me once you reach home". All of that would be responded with utter rudeness. I would get hurt every time. But I wouldn't show. Until one day I exploded. And we stopped talking.
But the worst was yet to come.
He hooked up with one of the girls.
He would still visit once in a while to meet the flatmates and I would stay in my room. Pretty awkward. What hurt more was, this was the man I had strong feelings for, and he was with someone else, right in front of me. It was terrible. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemies.
And then one day he texted. We met and sorted out the differences. I had moved on by then. We stayed good friends. He started loosening up. I saw another side of his - soft, vulnerable, loving side. It was beautiful, I wished he saw what I felt for him, but he chose someone else.
The lover boy that he was, was the sweetest I have ever come across. But, it all went to someone else, someone who took it for granted and eventually broke his heart.
He would call me and tell me how much he loved her. He would cry like a baby. From the stone hearted boy I initially met to this - the real side was adorable, but would he feel what I felt for him? Never. But I enjoyed it anyway. Because whenever I visited him, he showed his excitement. This man who once asked me to stay away, would run to me for a hug. It was beautiful.
I brushed my feelings under the rug. That was the best I could do for my sanity.
We had a little misunderstanding eventually, and we don't talk anymore. I, who has zero self respect, reached out to him multiple times, but to no avail. At this point, I strongly believe he is dead. 😏 And I still miss him. We could have stayed friends forever, if not anything else.
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Ofcourse I am a lover girl. Ofcourse I have dated in between, have had umpteen crushes, many whom I thought I was in love with. But the truth is, only these three could make my life harder by not letting move on. Everything else was passing fancy. Because I have always been in love with the idea of love. I always wanted love. That's the only thing I always craved for in life. So, if you show me a little bit of attention or affection, i tend to reciprocate. But I also come back to my senses soon, and will be out of your life sooner.
-----------------------------------------------------------------There is this one person whom I met in my mid 30s, who I feel would be another addition to this list. But I am now taking my time to see whether I am actually in love with this person or that it's just that I no longer have anyone to fancy about at this point in life.
Ever since I developed some political knowledge and become slightly open minded, this person seems to share the same wavelength. Well, no, maybe he is way ahead of me when it comes to his view on life and I am learning from him. The exact I'd love to have as my partner. My perfect person.
But guess what, that's also unrequited 🥲 and I no longer want to waste my time on men who would just not reciprocate my feelings. I am done.
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