The Spark - Season 2, Episode 1

9 years ago. Or so. I don't remember the exact time period. 

One lazy afternoon. I swipe right and left through the dating app. "It's a match", comes the notification. An extremely handsome, young man. Way out of my league. We start chatting anyway. He walks me through his life right away. Not a pretty scene to be in. I believe all of them. I sense he wasn't in a good place. One of the many I was talking to. I am way off his league, so I am not even trying. No effort. But I look forward to his texts. 

They are random. Nothing interesting. Yet, kept me hooked. One day we decide to meet. I reach first. I wait. There comes a tall handsome man. A little off from the pics. Maybe the depression, I sense. We enter the restaurant. We talk. About random stuff. Not even a moment of silence. We talk like we have known each other for ages. No dull moment. We step out. I ask him to drop me at the cafe nearby, where a couple of friends were waiting. We enter the car. He tells me he had a good time and we should do this often. We reach the destination. We hug. We part ways. 

The usual, texts, once in a while. And then I meet with an accident. Down for a month. No texts throughout the period. I confront. He lashes out. He's in a much worse place, I realised. But I was still upset. I give up. Until one day, I get a heartbreaking message from him. I am numb. I want to meet him. Hug him. Console him. But I don't know where he stays. I call, the number is off. I give up. I could have tried, it wasn't difficult. But I never tried. And it was over.

Years went by. But, I think about him often. I stalk him online. He seems to be in a much better place. Left the country. Doing his own shit. I want to reach out. But, thoughts creep in. Was I ever relevant to him to even recognise me? Does he remember me? Should I want to look like a creep? I restrain from doing creepy stuff. 

Once I casually mention this encounter to the best friend. Ping him, he says. He will think I am a creep, I say. It's been over a decade after all, I sigh. He may, he may not, just do it and see how it goes, the bad influence in my life tells me. I still don't want to do it. He has always been way off my league, there is nothing coming out of this, I tell myself. 

But the influence has made the influence. I think about him way too often. And then comes the "reaching out to them all" phase. Yet, I don't text him. We weren't even friends, I convince myself. Until one day, I build the courage and text him on LinkedIn. He is not gonna see it, he will think I am creep. I don't open Linkedin for a few days. There won't be a reply anyway, I think. I open for something and I see the 2 in red in the message icon. I open. It's him.

I remember you, he says. Keeps in formal and takes it professional. Ofcourse we are on LinkedIn. I should have known. I am both elated and disappointed at the same time. Elated, because I have manifested hearing from him, despite knowing it would never happen. Disappointed because... I don't know. What was I even thinking. 

And I break the ice. I tell him I tried reaching out to him, when he went off grid. His tone changes. He asks a few things and shares his phone number. I don't want to lose this opportunity. The universe gave me a second chance. But I don't want to screw it up. 

He opens up. Tell me about his journey. I tell mine. Glad we are in touch again, he says. I am elated, I want to say, but I keep myself in check. The day goes by. I want to talk more. I can't contain my excitement. I text. I am more than happy you responded. He finally uses an emoji. This is unreal, I tell myself. I read and reread our messages. 

Why am I excited, I ask myself. He is way above my league, I remind myself. I talk to myself. I tell myself things to give self a reality check. I wanted to hear from him, I heard from him, now I want more. The human mind is greedy, I proclaim. I pick up my blog, and write this down. I don't know what else to do. Maybe I'll let it be. Or manifest further. 

I don't know. I am just blabbering. Someone help me. 

Feeling alive

 Alone. 

Near the sea. 

Listening to the calming sound of the ocean. 

Watching the deep dark sky, ready to pour any time. 

The sweet smell of grass combined with the ecstatic fragrance of wet, muddy ground. 

The freshness of mint from the mouth freshener caressing the tongue

The exotic breeze tickling the skin.

My senses finally feel alive. 

Away from the madness of life and the stress and everything else in between 

I finally feel alive

All over again.  

The Epiphany

It has come to this.

Time went by

Waiting for the right time and right person.

Came across all the wrongs

But the right never came.

It has come to this. 

Never a fear

But the saddest reality

That may be you are meant to be alone

There are no fairytales, 

The happily ever after has no one but you

Living alone, dying alone 

The Epiphany

You are never alone

You have you. 

You have only you. 

 

Final Goodbye

 He looked into her eyes and smiled. She could feel her heart melting looking into his eyes. Matured love, she thought. This man knows what he wants. So does she. He said he is sure about her. She wasnt. Not so much. He, in totality is nice, but the specifics bothered her. But she brushed them under the rug and believed his words. Maybe she was being overly sensitive and looking from a lens of past trauma. This is a brand new person. Brand new experience. Give him a chance, she told herself. 

They stood like that, looking at each other until the train finally showed signs of movement. Her heart skipped a beat. He is leaving. The man who could be the one. But why is she sad? Was it because they wouldn't see each other again or that something inside her said this could be the last meeting? She wasn't sure. She bid goodbye and waited for his call. 

He did. There was communication. It was everything she wanted. There was love. There was warmth. There was constant attention. Everything she craved for. This is it, she told herself. Until one day, she noticed everything slowly disappearing. To a point where there were no calls. No pleasantries. No replies. 

I am busy, he said. How can someone be so busy that he doesn't have time to text the same? Wasn't this the same person who would sneak in messages between calls? How can his life change overnight? Or was it hers that changed? 

Wasn't something that she did? Did she stop caring for him, or is that what he thinks? Is she throwing tantrums? Is she being clingy? Or is it over? She just couldn't indentify. So she did what felt was right. She told him she can't do this anymore. He would say she was crazy, but this isn't what she signed up for. She didn't want to yearn for attention and love. She is a grown up woman. If she doesn't choose what's good for her atleast now, consider her the stupidest woman in the whole wide world. She didn't want that. She wanted peace. And love. If he can't give her both, he can go. 

She told him. This is the end. My final Goodbye. He didn't respond. Too busy to stop the woman he claimed to be hers. Too busy to even say a final Goodbye.  

But she was glad. She wasn't stupid afterall. She saw it through. Despite getting her heart broken into shards, she knew she finally, didn't cling on to something that wasn't meant to be. She let it go. For her own good. She is smart.